You have reached the /smg/ mental health hotline. Please listen carefully to the following menu options.
If you’re obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you’re co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please yell "nigger" after the tone.
If you have schizophrenia, press whichever button the voice in your head tells you to press.
If you have paranoia, we already know who you are and why you are calling.
If you have depression, just hang up now. It wasn't going to help.