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7/9/2025, 2:15:08 AM
I think I may have hit upon some issues which explain why grindr and dating more broadly are so tough
I really like men, but I also really like not having obligations to other people or expectations to be filled. dating and even just hooking up requires obligations and expectations, from appearance to a time and a place to meet, to interaction, and a lot of other things. the pressure of it all, I think, ends up being greater than the pressure of just being lonely for another night. I don't want to fail to meet expectations to someone else, and I definitely don't want my reasonable expectations to be unmet, at least most of the time. I'm always afraid that I'll go to meet a guy and either he will be ugly or he'll see me as ugly, and that's really scary bc if he were ugly I wouldn't be able to say no bc it feels mean so I'd end up having sex I don't really want. if I end up being the ugly one, it'll hurt a lot emotionally. if I don't engage, then these two things can be undecided, like Schrodinger's box sitting unopened.
I'm also really afraid of sex, or blacking out during sex or having a breakdown or getting raped again. this is such an issue bc with gays, sex is the point of it all. no gay wants to date a faggot he can't have sex with, and I'll never find a guy who's on having sex like maybe once a month or who I could trust to not violate me.
I think I'm too romantic and too sentimental for homosexuality, I want something most gays couldn't even conceive of as it exists outside their world of fuck parties of ambiguous relationships based solely on sex rather than chemistry or love of anything other than what makes them cum
it's really depressing to think about, especially bc I've already fallen in love with a guy but he's straight, so I find my heart pierced by a twin pronged spear, one prong being rejection and the other hopelessness
I'm already 31, and most gays, especially tops, seem to prefer bottoms who are as young as possible. it all just feels so futile
I really like men, but I also really like not having obligations to other people or expectations to be filled. dating and even just hooking up requires obligations and expectations, from appearance to a time and a place to meet, to interaction, and a lot of other things. the pressure of it all, I think, ends up being greater than the pressure of just being lonely for another night. I don't want to fail to meet expectations to someone else, and I definitely don't want my reasonable expectations to be unmet, at least most of the time. I'm always afraid that I'll go to meet a guy and either he will be ugly or he'll see me as ugly, and that's really scary bc if he were ugly I wouldn't be able to say no bc it feels mean so I'd end up having sex I don't really want. if I end up being the ugly one, it'll hurt a lot emotionally. if I don't engage, then these two things can be undecided, like Schrodinger's box sitting unopened.
I'm also really afraid of sex, or blacking out during sex or having a breakdown or getting raped again. this is such an issue bc with gays, sex is the point of it all. no gay wants to date a faggot he can't have sex with, and I'll never find a guy who's on having sex like maybe once a month or who I could trust to not violate me.
I think I'm too romantic and too sentimental for homosexuality, I want something most gays couldn't even conceive of as it exists outside their world of fuck parties of ambiguous relationships based solely on sex rather than chemistry or love of anything other than what makes them cum
it's really depressing to think about, especially bc I've already fallen in love with a guy but he's straight, so I find my heart pierced by a twin pronged spear, one prong being rejection and the other hopelessness
I'm already 31, and most gays, especially tops, seem to prefer bottoms who are as young as possible. it all just feels so futile
7/8/2025, 6:22:08 AM
I want a sadistic boyfriend who beats me into being a better person for him
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