unsent letter to bitty - i hope she reads :(

i know i broke your trust, i dont know how to ever fix that. it took a lot of trust to send the $1700 while everyone made fun of me and i still accepted it.
I also accepted it when you made the fake sex offender thing.. or releasing my dox.
Im sorry for not having self control and better anger management and all this stuff thats wrong with me. Im sorry for being parasocial, or making you feel like im emotionally manipulating you. I just have a depressing personality because i've been unhappy for so long. Sometimes i try to be funny about it but it just comes off as pity seeking.

I also have a really hard time trusting anyone. So when you weren't responding to me but talking to people who were making fun of me I got jealous. Then i started being paranoid you were leaking my DMs to them because of stuff they were saying. My mind fills in the blanks with negative stuff. It wasn't my place to get angry or jealous but that's why I leaked we were DMing. But I also dont really understand why you consider that leaking unless you were embarassed about talking to me. All these ppl was making fun of me in your community saying you never would respond to me..
Then everything just escalated and completely out of control. I am having a month long nervous breakdown.. I can't even remember how long its been. I made it to work 1 day and i've just been laying in bed ever since. I will get better and this is my fault. but damn it hurts. I really didn't mean any of that stuff I said and I'm really sorry for leaking your stuff. I tried to make up for it by humiliating myself in the threads, and sending you the money. I'm not going to post anymore either im practicing. i made it longer nearly 2 days or more this time. I won't let anyone bait me to posting either. I'm really trying to learn self control and to be a better person. I'm very sorry.
I wish i knew how to make you see how sorry i am.