5 months post my ex giving me 5 days to get kicked out of our apartment i was paying for, we were supposed to be camgirl partners in crime thelma and louise style and go on sweet lesbian dates on the side

ive been kicked out, thrown out like trash before but never by someone i loved and trusted this much. and maybe its just that i was finally financially stable, on the path to improvement, finally, but i think she completely broke me. its been 5 months and she appears in my nightmares time and time again to tell me everyone i ever love will abandon me. when i'm awake i weep and screech and call out for her, my big sister, my love, but she's never coming back and ghosted me online as i expected

i've seen plenty of doomed yuri in media, but i never thought i'd live it, i usually only show interest in dudes but i wanted my soul sister. my heart is shattered. i want to die, soon, and not just end up in the hospital again. im getting too old to ever live any of my dreams. please advise, tell me to kill myself and do it right.