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6/22/2025, 12:04:24 PM
>be me
>pop Over the Hedge into the family DVD player
>expect cute animal antics
>Heather the possum girl hits the screen
>my tiny monkey brain combusts
>goth, dramatic, fakes her own death
>the blueprint for every unstable crush I’d ever have
>start lying motionless in neighbor’s yard for hours
>pretend to be dead so Heather will come revive me with possum kisses
>neighbor calls animal control
>animal control guy pokes me with a broom
>I moan “Heather…”
>fast forward
>older now, but no wiser
>every goth girl I date must squeak and pretend to expire mid-makeout
>if she doesn’t, she’s gone
>make girlfriend wear fuzzy ears, hiss at me, crawl in trash bags
>neighbors complain about “animal noises” from my bedroom
>one night, blackout drunk behind Wendy’s dumpster
>see actual possum rooting through fries
>whimper “Heather…” and reach out
>it hisses, I hiss back
>moment of pure, primal connection
>next morning: wake up half-naked in alley, fur in my teeth
>don’t care, would do it again
>current gf calls me her “roadkill king”
>we roleplay car accident foreplay
>I moan her possum name when I finish
>one day death will claim me for real
>pray my rotting corpse finds her on the other side of the hedge
>never coming back
>pop Over the Hedge into the family DVD player
>expect cute animal antics
>Heather the possum girl hits the screen
>my tiny monkey brain combusts
>goth, dramatic, fakes her own death
>the blueprint for every unstable crush I’d ever have
>start lying motionless in neighbor’s yard for hours
>pretend to be dead so Heather will come revive me with possum kisses
>neighbor calls animal control
>animal control guy pokes me with a broom
>I moan “Heather…”
>fast forward
>older now, but no wiser
>every goth girl I date must squeak and pretend to expire mid-makeout
>if she doesn’t, she’s gone
>make girlfriend wear fuzzy ears, hiss at me, crawl in trash bags
>neighbors complain about “animal noises” from my bedroom
>one night, blackout drunk behind Wendy’s dumpster
>see actual possum rooting through fries
>whimper “Heather…” and reach out
>it hisses, I hiss back
>moment of pure, primal connection
>next morning: wake up half-naked in alley, fur in my teeth
>don’t care, would do it again
>current gf calls me her “roadkill king”
>we roleplay car accident foreplay
>I moan her possum name when I finish
>one day death will claim me for real
>pray my rotting corpse finds her on the other side of the hedge
>never coming back
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