18 yr old who has been sexually abused and trafficked from the age of 3 or 4 until recently. i've tried to move on but it's hard. i think to some level i'm hoping to use this as a self harm coping mechanism since i don't have any other vices, but ideally with the intent of retraumatizing myself to the point i feel nothing about my past like exposure therapy.

the only person i knew personally who knows about this is now dead, nobody else knows. i am conventionally attractive and i seem "happy" so people assume i have an easy life and i garner a lot of attention because of my looks. i have always resented that a lot, but i'm not the type to tell people my trauma irl especially for the sake of sympathy. i have my issues but i think i've ended up as normal as i could have all things considered.

ideally i'd like someone who i can connect to on a personal level. maybe we can also do other non sexual things together. i am not big into trading pictures but if the trust is built i could become comfortable with that. 19-28 is ideal. i am looking to do this online, but i'm not fully closed off to meeting up if i feel safe with you, weird to say "safe" in a cnc thread isn't it.

i'm very ashamed and embarrassed by my past. i am pretty shy i've never done anything consensually before (even non consensual consent) this is all new to me. irl i don't entertain or respond to guys, i'm not exactly sure how to talk to guys. i am not looking for someone to make my life any worse than it already is. you can be as mean to me as you want during ... but when we speak normally please don't bully me. if i get comfortable enough to send pictures please don't attempt to dox me.

i bought an alt discord because i feel really pathetic entertaining this but i feel like if i don't it will just keep eating away at me; the account name is lalalambyy