My mom wasn't really the best and stopped being a regular part of my life during puberty. At first I was numb to her untill 19ish, then extremely angry for a few more years and while that anger is still there, recently I've been thinking about her sexually and what memories I have of her naked or topless from when I was a child.
One time I was going through her old phone to get some childhood pics of me and my little bros and I stumbled upon vids of her sucking dick. I didn't save them because I was still in the numbness phase. I remember when I asked to get any pictures off of her phone she said "just be careful I might have adult things in here" and let me go through it twice kek.
I was so retarded. I've had incestuous dreams about her for many years as well. One time me and an ex were in my grandparents storage unit going through old stuff and found a photograph of her topless holding her breasts from when she had to have been 20. I took a selfie with it because I thought it was "funny". The ancient femoid proverb goes: "all jokes are rooted in truth". A lot of women have said that to me. Well, to make a long story short I masturbated to that photo but with me holding it cropped out of it today and felt little shame. I enhanced it and everything. I pretended my most recent ex was my mom. I think I have repressed memories of mom molesting me or something. She was very loving on me but also insane and dependant. She would yell, and scream at us for hours sometimes until it was just white noise. The hatred is still here but I also keep having sexual thoughts about her.

Her face is kind of ugly too due to her extremely unhealthy lifestyle. I keep having fantasies about moving her in with me and getting her life in order and she becomes hot again and we get secretly married and have our trad life together. I also have ones about violently beating her and get drunk and scream that I want to kill her for leaving me.
ps I was addicted to extreme porn for 12 years too