for me its becoming so jaded from losing friends that you just give up from the exhaustion of unraveling yourself to people that can just one day decide to stop caring. wanting nothing more than to be understood by someone else but not willing to suffer that pain again, so you just end up pushing people away in fear of what would bring you true solace. its a torturous existence i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy
i genuinely might have some sort of mental illness or something wrong with me, i keep rebuffing their attempts to get me to open up because what i really want is someone to keep prying until i crack, someone who wont concede from the slightest resistance, basically proving themselves. i dont know if im a narcissist or what.