For what seems to be practically all my life, I've felt inadequate, like I just can't be good enough or fit in anywhere, and simultaneously felt as though by trying to better myself or improve my various situations, I was violating some sort of social contract, one to which I was unwillingly bound to since the day of my birth, and unescapable until my eventual demise. Of course I've fought my battles against this mental prison I've been trapped in, and many times I've even come out victorious, allowing me my various pursuits with making friends, landing decent jobs, improving my skills, and even finding love. However, it simply never lasts. One way or another, I always regress. As much as I despise these horrid depressions in my life, I can't help but always come back to them.
I quit my job about seven months ago. My old co-workers miss me, and my boss says he'd hire me back, but I have no desire to yet. I don't talk to most of my friends anymore. I'm sure they enjoyed my company, but the fact that I've hardly heard from any of them since? Maybe I just didn't have that much a connection with them anyway. Improve my skills? I could do that. Just give me some time, I'm sure I'll get around to doing that any day now... Don't ask me about love. It exists to waste your time.
I gotta get out of this little funk of mine. No more throwing all my life away on the computer. I have enough money to pay my rent for a while longer, but I need a job. I wanna try getting into the whole acting business. Amateur voice work, standing around as an extra, whatever! I just gotta get my foot in the door, and I can get my big break, and finally break out of my wretched cycle once and for all. This little idea of a possible, yet likely very distant future is one of the only things keeping me going.
If you read through all that crap, then congrats; you get a little bit of trivia. This image was taken by my buddy in March of 2024, as we were driving west through Flagstaff, AZ. Helluva place.