I'm an idf soldier and I dont know what to do
Opinion
I enlisted at 18 like everybody. I didn't give it much thought, I was raised to believe everybody should enlist for the country, and at 18 years of age, my knowledge of Israel's history and the israeli-palestinian conflict was non-existent.
......
The state of Gaza right now is terrible. My country is committing a genocide, people are starving, and no one seems to care. The Israelien mentality is the most toxic and hostile I've encountered. We completely dehumanized the Palestinians so we can hate them.

Around a month ago, I was called into reserves again. I wanted to refuse, but I'm sacred of going to jail. I know it's no excuse and that I'm a coward, but I keep telling myself that if it's not me, it would be someone else, likely someone with far more radical opinions.

It's basically just an excuse to keep myself from going insane. I have 14 more days until the end of this reserves session, and every day, I want to kill myself. I'm disgusted by my country, but my family is here, and I don't want to leave them. I'm disappointed with myself, but too afraid to do anything. I want to leave this country, but that will kill my parents, and I don't know where to go. I'll never kill anyone innocent, and never hurt anyone innocent, and if asked to do so, I'll 100% go to jail instead, thank God it didn't happen yet. But I'm still part of an organization that's actively committing genocide, and I hate myself for it. I'm not looking for sympathy or for acceptance. I just wanted to vent.