when will my body finally fucking shut down i need to stop obsessing over someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about me but i can't and i can't sleep and i keep cutting myself and looking for ways to hurt myself emotionally by obsessively scanning for this person everywhere and i see them everywhere and nowhere and the only thing keeping me going is a delusion that i will some how be able to make up for all the betrayal and mental illness by molding myself into yet another unfamiliar persona tailored toward this special person i see as an extension of my own consciousness and one i swore to protect and then hurt deeply and foolishly i just want to be able to sleep but i also need to take the pain out of their eyes i have pictures from when it was good and they have bright happy eyes and comparing them with the pictures from after when things started to get dark and the trauma had returned to those dark wells that i love so very much i cannot fathom a life not devoted to making them feel loved and beautiful because that's how i see them exactly how they are with no surgery just the way God made them however they want to be i just want them to be okay and healthy and happy again and maybe removing myself is the only way that can happen but then i think i might need to kill this version of me just like i did the others and idk i think i'm still stuck for the moment at least