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7/5/2025, 2:00:45 AM
>>24521904
The scene itself is interesting but your sentence construction is poor. Read picrel. Practice writing shorter sentences with less clauses, and think a bit more about your word choice. Also, your description of combat from the perspective of the goblin is confusing. It needs a bit more introduction and description before you jump right in medias res.
The scene itself is interesting but your sentence construction is poor. Read picrel. Practice writing shorter sentences with less clauses, and think a bit more about your word choice. Also, your description of combat from the perspective of the goblin is confusing. It needs a bit more introduction and description before you jump right in medias res.
6/5/2025, 9:30:30 PM
>>24443721
>Determined to stop their sled at every opportunity, the snow cover knew no mercy.
The sentence is still awkward: you've got a dependent clause and two prepositional phrases before the subject, and then the verb is "knew." The actual action is some kind of impeding, but you're not using descriptive language for the action itself, instead you're dancing around it with language that I think you think is flowery.
Even flipping the clauses around, it's an awkward, undescriptive sentence:
>The snow cover knew no mercy, determined to stop their sled at every opportunity.
It's a little better, but here's another problem: that's not how snow works. Nor sleds. The entire point of a sled is to glide over snow, how is snow impeding a sled? THAT deserves some description and explanation, not the snow's lack of mercy (which is a weird anthropomorphism to begin with).
Keep it simple. Subject verb object. Adjectives are okay, adverbs must be used sparingly.
>The sled buried itself in snow drifts.
>Snow drifts blocked their escape at every turn.
>Their tired feet sank into the snow, slowing them down.
I haven't read the whole sample but just wanted to comment on that one sentence.
>Determined to stop their sled at every opportunity, the snow cover knew no mercy.
The sentence is still awkward: you've got a dependent clause and two prepositional phrases before the subject, and then the verb is "knew." The actual action is some kind of impeding, but you're not using descriptive language for the action itself, instead you're dancing around it with language that I think you think is flowery.
Even flipping the clauses around, it's an awkward, undescriptive sentence:
>The snow cover knew no mercy, determined to stop their sled at every opportunity.
It's a little better, but here's another problem: that's not how snow works. Nor sleds. The entire point of a sled is to glide over snow, how is snow impeding a sled? THAT deserves some description and explanation, not the snow's lack of mercy (which is a weird anthropomorphism to begin with).
Keep it simple. Subject verb object. Adjectives are okay, adverbs must be used sparingly.
>The sled buried itself in snow drifts.
>Snow drifts blocked their escape at every turn.
>Their tired feet sank into the snow, slowing them down.
I haven't read the whole sample but just wanted to comment on that one sentence.
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