>>511345799
I feel like I just had the most dramatic moment in my entire romantic life. Like if my life was a fucking anime this would be the start/end of some schloppy romance story.

Yesterday I closely hugged my sister I've secretly been in love with for the last 4 years and whispered "aishiteru" into her ears with complete and utter sincerety after we had a conversation about Japanese, she had recently started learning the language. I mocked her to go learn more to find out what that means, but I doubt she will remember it fully. I have absolutely no idea how I was able to do any of that with a straight face, knowing what I had just found out. I don't get how I looked so happy for so long yesterday, was I always this good at holding my emotions in? I still feel like it, what I felt then, I don't understand this feeling. Like I'm watching myself. I'm not myself right now. I don't think I've ever been this sad before. I'm just watching me go through the motions, why am I able to pretend being happy so well while feeling this utterly empty? None of this feels real.

She apparently has a fucking boyfriend now, someone that looks like a 300lb version of me, a guy that recently lost 100lbs to try to convince myself I'm worthy of love, that I really could date my little sister if only I could muster up the courage and make myself attractive enough for her, but I was very discouraged by her looking more and more like a lesbian as the years went by after she turned 18. I didn't expect this fucking twist. I thought she would be fucking girls in college not fucking this. I fucked up so hard, I should've done something sooner she's so goddamn nice and small and perfect why the fuck was I so scared about her judging me by my looks. God why do I fucking suck so much at everything I do other than weight loss.