Sorry to disappoint y'all but this has gone on long enough.
I've enjoyed reading all the theories today, but I have to unfortunately report it was all a larp. Our plan was to post our sextape last night, but she got cold feet after getting wayyyyyy too drunk at the bar. Surprised nobody noticed the tattoo was mirrored on the timestamp.
Thanks for the laughs, we both came hard from reading all the replies.

Better luck next time /b/