I was on a trip around SE Asia with my then gf Lizzie. We were in our last weekend of Cambodia before visiting Vietnam so we decided to go drinking. We got absolutely fucked on the local "whisky" and went to the nearby night market for food. We ate well but we also ended up impulse buying a baby monkey for the equivalent of $40. An actual long-tailed macaque baby (pic related) that was being sold as a pet and sneaked him back to the hotel.

We named him "Monpai" (which was the word for monkey I think?) and played with him in the hotel bathtub for ages but we then started scaring and lightly tormenting him. All you need to do is stare at them intently in the eyes and it absolutely freaks them the fuck out. For those who don't know, when monkeys are scared they do what's called a "fear grimace" which looks like they're grinning but they're actually fucking terrified.

The most physical thing I did was pinch his tail but Liz wanted to hurt him, run him under hot water or toss him around like a ball but I told her no physical hurt or killing. Eventually we tried to have sex but that wasn't happening so we just passed out. In the night though I think she may have gone to the bathroom to hurt him but can't be sure. The next morning we realised what we did so cleaned all the monkey shit from the bathtub and thought of how to get rid of Monpai. She suggesting tossing him out the window but instead we took him to the hotel gardens and left him in a giant planter with a tree in it then checked out.

I have no idea about the fate of Monpai but we didn't get caught. This was years ago... and I ended up losing contact with her a while after we broke up. I still miss her sometimes.