I think /lig/ and vtubing has broken me beyond repair.

I am exclusively going to marry with the objective of wanting my wife to be cheating behind my back.
I want to be cucked.
I want her to greet me back home with a loving smile she also used to greet another man while I was gone.
I want to keep supporting her while she gets her brains fucked out by nameless faceless strangers.

This is already what I experience being a fan of these chuubas so why won't I have the real deal?