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!!/7cMIiSCHvi/lit/24447613#24463064
6/13/2025, 10:54:10 AM
They Say Sav-Saba
by yodo
>>24455272
The fact that you can so easily modulate your writing style from “Betsy, Of Course” to this is incredible.
In the most complimentary way I can say this: You are an accomplished surgeon when it comes to performing self-lobotomy.
I can’t imagine that transporting yourself to this place was enjoyable at all, but what you Nat-Geo’d for us through your equisite lens is truely appreciated.
This is probably the most dirt-scratchy setting I’ve ever read—the kind that scares me how it ever could have existed—and you nailed it.
What more, how many large-ensemble /lwc/ submissions have there been?
As far as I’m concerned, this is the gold-standard for them.
My biggest issue: There’s no wow-factor.
Their barbarity is to be expected, so there’s no surprise in what befalls Lod and Adamu—that’s not enough to end your story on.
What would actually be a scary ending: Have a plane or a helicopter fly far overhead; reveal that this story is a contemporary one—that would give me the creepy crawlies to no end.
Because, as far as we know, these kinds of things are still going on in the world via uncontacted tribes, e.g. the North Sentinelese.
And while the theme is “crowd-madness,” and while that’s certainly what’s on display here, there’s also an argument that what they’re doing is somehow “reasonable?”
Their superstitions are at least based on cause and effect; their sense of justice is at least based on eye-for-an-eye equivalence.
But I will rag on you a bit:
>OaoaoaoaOaoaoaOaOAoOaoaoaOaoaoa.
I felt you kinda cheated the spirituality aspect of these folks by just sprinkling the word “Oa” here and there.
Even if these people are monotheistic, and “Oa” is a kind of un-personificational force, you can still allude to the past tribe “members ouched by Oa”—using your own words.
You said earlier that “sav-saab” was Hebrew-inspired—if monotheistic “Oa” is as well, I’m saying you need to make references to Abraham, or to the divenly apportioned land they’re on itself.
Another interesting thought is that maybe the fanatical religion of “Oa” did at one point exist in some corner of the world thousands of years ago, but this is us watching it go extinct, what with all the prospective/young tribe-member killing.
>swords
That caps the earliness of this scene to 3300 BC, when swords were invented.
>so imagines the pages in his mind
Nevermind—3000 BC now, for papyrus.
Maybe the old man’s lived so long because he’s been conserving energy by eating his own ejaculate this whole time.
I feel this character should have done something in the chaos as Ha’ad’s shah got got.
All he does is lie in wait and watch, and I like that about him, but maybe at the end when he’s watching the execution, he retrieved Lod’s stone that Ha’ad threw?
What if there’s an interpretation that he is the real-life maligning force, and not a crying baby?
by yodo
>>24455272
The fact that you can so easily modulate your writing style from “Betsy, Of Course” to this is incredible.
In the most complimentary way I can say this: You are an accomplished surgeon when it comes to performing self-lobotomy.
I can’t imagine that transporting yourself to this place was enjoyable at all, but what you Nat-Geo’d for us through your equisite lens is truely appreciated.
This is probably the most dirt-scratchy setting I’ve ever read—the kind that scares me how it ever could have existed—and you nailed it.
What more, how many large-ensemble /lwc/ submissions have there been?
As far as I’m concerned, this is the gold-standard for them.
My biggest issue: There’s no wow-factor.
Their barbarity is to be expected, so there’s no surprise in what befalls Lod and Adamu—that’s not enough to end your story on.
What would actually be a scary ending: Have a plane or a helicopter fly far overhead; reveal that this story is a contemporary one—that would give me the creepy crawlies to no end.
Because, as far as we know, these kinds of things are still going on in the world via uncontacted tribes, e.g. the North Sentinelese.
And while the theme is “crowd-madness,” and while that’s certainly what’s on display here, there’s also an argument that what they’re doing is somehow “reasonable?”
Their superstitions are at least based on cause and effect; their sense of justice is at least based on eye-for-an-eye equivalence.
But I will rag on you a bit:
>OaoaoaoaOaoaoaOaOAoOaoaoaOaoaoa.
I felt you kinda cheated the spirituality aspect of these folks by just sprinkling the word “Oa” here and there.
Even if these people are monotheistic, and “Oa” is a kind of un-personificational force, you can still allude to the past tribe “members ouched by Oa”—using your own words.
You said earlier that “sav-saab” was Hebrew-inspired—if monotheistic “Oa” is as well, I’m saying you need to make references to Abraham, or to the divenly apportioned land they’re on itself.
Another interesting thought is that maybe the fanatical religion of “Oa” did at one point exist in some corner of the world thousands of years ago, but this is us watching it go extinct, what with all the prospective/young tribe-member killing.
>swords
That caps the earliness of this scene to 3300 BC, when swords were invented.
>so imagines the pages in his mind
Nevermind—3000 BC now, for papyrus.
Maybe the old man’s lived so long because he’s been conserving energy by eating his own ejaculate this whole time.
I feel this character should have done something in the chaos as Ha’ad’s shah got got.
All he does is lie in wait and watch, and I like that about him, but maybe at the end when he’s watching the execution, he retrieved Lod’s stone that Ha’ad threw?
What if there’s an interpretation that he is the real-life maligning force, and not a crying baby?
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