>be Clannad-boomer who thought "Key died with Romeo's hairline"
> /vn/ anons keep seething about "1ST BEAT PEAK FICTION" in every fudging thread
> fine.wad, torrent it while dodging FBI honeypots
> expect bargain-bin nakige trash
> MFW Maeda-sensei teleports behind me whispering "Omae wa mou shindeiru" and emotionally nukes my soul:
> Yurrpie's strap isn’t loaded with bullets, it shoots THERAPY BILLS and EXISTENTIAL TAX FORMS
> Yui's route turns my room into a UNESCO World Weeping Site
> TK’s dance moves decode into "SEND HELP" in NATO phonetic alphabet
> Otonashi’s amnesia arc forces me to question my own 3AM hot pocket existence
> finish route = attempt to pay Maeda-sensei via PayPal for "emotional damages"
> get banned from r/visualnovels for posting "NAOI DID NOTHING WRONG" 87 times
> download Angel Player = spawn NPC army = force them to farm copium for 2nd Beat
> local priest finds my shrine (ramen cups + Yurippe body pillow) = calls exorcist
...
/vn/ wasn’t schizo, they were Maeda’s sleeper agents.
Angel Beats 1st Beat isn’t a VN, it’s an EMOTIONAL PONZI SCHEME.
Maeda-sensei doesn’t write stories, he forges spiritual debt with 200% APR.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my therapist resigned and the FBI added "ramen shrine" to my file.

inb4 "cope harder for 3nd/6th Beat"
inb4 "read Rewrite boomer"
inb4 "Yurippe is mid, Iwasawa gang RISE"