My Dearest Callie,

I've been thinking about Coqui's recent ADHD diagnosis. What grabbed me wasn't the diagnosis itself, but rather her reaction to it. From what I saw, she was crying tears of joy, like her prayers had been answered by God himself and she was given a second chance at life. Is it really that life-changing? I recognize that I have similar problems with planning and staying on task, but I had always thought that these were things that must be managed through discipline and repetition in order to break bad habits and create good ones. I'm aware that therapy done right is a way to learn more about yourself and find the tools you need in order to shape yourself into a healthier, more productive person, but I'm also wary of the field's over-reliance on drugs as a way to dull bad behavior and feelings rather than properly identify and work through them. SSRIs are the big one, but there are other less drastic drugs that are similarly abused. This isn't to say that Coqui is making the wrong move or that she shouldn't be happy, I don't know how they're planning on helping her with her ADHD, they could just be taping her to the wall for hours and forcing her to focus for all I know. I'm just saying that her pure elation towards her diagnosis has gotten me to reconsider some things. Therapists can't all be pill peddlers, right? I already have a substance I abuse, I can't take on any more.

It's Sugar, John Nyadams

My Dearest Callie,

The plan today was to do some work on my car. Changed the oil (gunk builds up that can hurt the engine), rotated the tires (front tires wear down more than back tires, you swap them around), stared vindictively at the AC unit after surviving another summer without having the tools or the money to fix it. But there were two big things I wanted to do that ended up not working out. Firstly, I found an old dashcam I got as a gift that I wanted to install. It was a last minute thing but I thought it would be simple enough, turns out that it becomes a little more complicated when you want to hide the wires behind the paneling in your car. I don't have the tools on hand to do that, so I'll have to either buy the tools, or borrow them from someone, or maybe just tape the wires to the inside of the car like a junkie. I don't know, I'll have to weigh my options there. I have enough razor blades to be a junkie. Secondly, I was hoping to finally remove this window tint that has been on my rear windshield for the last 20 years and has degraded to the point where you can no longer see out of it. Now I know it sounds bad but please don't get mad at me, I'm a very serious driver and I've been taking even greater care since it started obstructing my view. I had it removed to the point where about 1/3rd of the windshield is clear, and I was hoping to do the rest today now that it's colder, but upon starting the monotonous process of scraping tiny bits of it away with a razor blade, I found that it's become even more brittle, unworkably so. I did a little research and apparently you're supposed to make the windshield hot when you do this so the adhesive comes off easier. I had listened to my grandfather's advice to not do it in the heat, as he's very, very knowledgeable about cars, but maybe he used to work with a different kind of tinting or mine is so degraded that it works differently or something. Either way, I'll have to drive around looking through a little porthole in my rear windshield for a while longer.

I'm happy that I was able to get some maintenance done, but I feel somewhat unfulfilled by today, being unable to finish the two tasks that would have made a significant change to my driving experience. Today may have been a false start, but at least it was an early start.

Would Pull Over To Fix Your Car, John Nyadams

My Dearest Callie,

I apologize if this letter is less comprehensible than usual, my mind and body are not as one today. I am currently undergoing the tried and tested ritual of "Stay up for 24 hours so you go to sleep early the next night.", and I am only able to write to you during the rare bouts of lucidity. I would say that this undertaking was of my choosing, but that would be only half true, for it is time that ultimately decides what opportunities are available to us. I know this isn't exactly healthy for me, but it's where I'm at right now and I have to get through it. I'm tired of waking up to a third of the workday passing me by. I'd like to say that this is where you and your friends help me overcome my personal hardships through encouragement and facilitating a positive atmosphere, but in this rare case it's actually the opposite. Being the women of the night that you all are, you make it all too tempting cast aside one's routine and join you for an evening of fun. This isn't me blaming you for my own poor choices of course, it's up to me the take the reins on my life. But you all certainly don't make it easy, when you flutter your eyelashes, and hide your smile behind your brisé fans, and call out "Yooooohooooo, mister calley caaaaaat~ It's time to come to streeeeeeeam~". You girls are too precious for me to say no. I can't think of a very eloquent way to end this letter, so I'm going to return to reclining at my station and teleporting ahead 15 minutes every so often.

Yours Forever, John Nyadams

My Dearest Callie,

Lately I have been making an effort to be more cognizant of my body. Not just the weight or the strength aspect, but being more aware of my skin and hair and how to take better care of them. For most of my life I've had these tiny blemishes dotting the majority of my body, usually wherever hair is growing. But I never paid any mind to it because I had this condition since childhood and no one ever raised it to me as a concern. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't the baseline for my skin and that it's something I can work towards solving. I have an appointment with a dermatologist scheduled. Hopefully they'll be able to help me sort things out, because doing the research myself into all of the different hair and skin types and products available for them and how you're supposed to use them, it's completely overwhelming. Maybe I can try winning one of those 1-on-1 sessions with Oli and use it to get her to teach me proper skincare. I'll have to quickly learn how to use this safety razor I bought for cleaner shaving then, lest I show up with bits of bloodied toilet paper stuck to my face like you see in those old movies. I'm a bit of an oaf when it comes to these things, but hopefully with some knowledge and practice I can become a clean, respectable man. One who only acts like an oaf rather than looking like one.

Forever Grooming, John Nyadams

My Dearest Callie,

I return to you from my excursion unscathed. Though while my physical body may be alright, my mind has been put under a great deal of stress by the very same beast I'm using to write to you now. I don't know how potent the astral energies eminating from the rest of this place are, so you may or may not have felt my autism reach you today in other ways, specifically in the form of frustration at a certain web browser. Today is the day that my Google Chrome session was closed, and I was forced to accept the update that removed much of the core functionality of what was required by me to use the browser. So I've made the switch to Firefox. I was proactive enough to back up the settings for a lot of my extensions and scripts and things, but even still, it will take some time for me to adjust.

Making major changes to my computer like this, switching browsers or operating systems or entire PCs, it makes me feel anxious, and a little bit empty inside. It's the same feeling I get when I move to a new place and it doesn't feel like home yet. Things are still packed up in boxes, the rooms feel empty and unlived in, and you haven't gotten used to living in them yet. It feels a little pathetic to say that about using a computer, but it's how I feel. Most of my life is on here: My work, my play, my gateway to the global information network and to all of the communities I've joined and the friends I've made, it's all packed behind this screen. And so a seemingly small change becomes a major disruption to my workflow and how I interface with the world and how I'm able to relax and enjoy myself. It may seem a little sad to be so reliant on this machine, but I believe that it's just the circumstances of the world that we live in. There are people out there who very likely would have had nothing if not for the interconnectivity that this technology provides. It enables us to form bonds and share love with people we never would've had a chance to meet otherwise. It's what allowed me and you and the calleycats to find each other. Sometimes I do lament not having a better balance between the digital world and the physical one, but given my circumstances growing up, I don't think I ever had much opportunity to explore and grow physically. We can only work with the cards we're dealt, and I'm at peace with that. But if I did have the ability to draw a new hand, I would sneak your card in my boot so I would never have to live a life without you in it.

Forever Online, John Nyadams

My Dearest Callie,

There is expected to be inclement weather in my area over the next few days. While the elements usually don't bother a recluse like myself, I still have a routine that I'd like to keep, tasks that need to be completed. It's too often that I shy away from doing things when the conditions aren't optimal for it. That's something I've been struggling to achieve for a while now, bringing the same fluidity that I practice in my speech to my planning and my actions. If all goes well, I will return to you a little wet, but accomplished and fulfilled.

Forever Yours, John Nyadams

My Dearest Callie,

Today was a rest day, and a planned one at that. The sun shines brighter, the air feels crisper, my body is at peace. I have no lectures, gossip, or trauma to impart onto you today, I only hope that your time away allows you to enjoy the same simple pleasures in life.

Forever Yours, John Nyadams

My Dearest Callie,

Construction has been going on in the roads around my house for about a month now. I finished my to-do list a little late today so I ended up spending 40 minutes waiting on a single road for the workers to slowly funnel cars through their worksite at a 4-way intersection. But I didn't mind it. I felt fulfilled from my trip to the gym, the sweltering heat of the summer sun had given way to a cool autumn breeze, and the soothing strings and ivory of the classical music station were flitting through the air just as gracefully.

Music has always had a profound effect on me. The first time I noticed this, I was just four years old taking part in some early-learning school program (which doubled as a daycare while my parents worked). During nap time they would pull out these blue cots made out of tightly-woven plastic, turn off the lights, and play calming music over the intercom. There was one song in their playlist that had a more somber tone than the rest, and it would always bring me to tears whenever it played. The caretakers, hearing me sniveling, would always pull me aside and ask what was wrong, but I guess I was just too autistic to tell them it was the song. I remember it evoking visions in my head of my mother in a court room, and a judge delivering the sentencing that would take her away from me. I don't know why it made me think of that, nothing remotely similar has ever happened to me in my life, I guess it was just a lonely-sounding song. Music still brings me to tears sometimes, though not due to a vivid and fearful imagination, but because of the emotions it conveys, especially when used to elevate another piece of media like a videogame. It really helps to immerse you, to put yourself in the shoes of the character you're playing as and feel their emotions and their struggles, channeling their power and their determination as they face down the evil that has inflicted so much pain and torment on them and the ones they love, and sharing in the triumph and the peace that washes over them when they accomplish their mission.

Music has also acted as a guide for me too. Whenever I would feel lost or frustrated, and I didn't have anyone to talk to (or the skills to talk to them), music would always be there for me, helping me untangle my thoughts and steady my heart. It would always know what to say. Or maybe I was just good at getting what I needed out of it. It was music that gave me the courage to ask out my first girlfriend. She only said yes because she felt sorry for me, but that's another story.

I sometimes think about how one of the stereotypical, eye-rolling "old person grievances" that you'll hear is them saying that music has corrupted the youth. Well, I think it can be true in some cases. If I can get such positive energy out of the music I listen to, I'm sure that people in worse circumstances listening to angrier, more spiteful music could be influenced in a negative way by it. I guess I should count myself lucky that I've been primarily exposed to positive influences in my life, like you, Callie. Thank you for exposing yourself to me.

And the Beat Goes On, John Nyadams