>>3984285
OP here, >>3984241 is a different anon.
Anyways, I'm understanding of your background and where you came from. You mentioned feeling out of place with your masculinity when you mentioned how in your teenage years you had to be very performative; "pretending to like lame shit... blending in with the crowd as much as possible to avoid abuse." My upbringing and teen year were much the same ways even though I'm a straight Christian male. I can't stand sportsball, I can't be near grease monkeys, I'm very soft-spoken and the opposite of a womanizer. I've been an outcast for a very long time and my only friends were other nerds and outcasts like me. It wasn't until only very recently that a peer brought up that I might be on the spectrum, so that's a possibility as to why I felt I didn't belong to any one particular group very well. All that said, I think people are quick to abandon ship and jump from one category to another. Again, it's understandable and I sympathize strongly with how you came to your conclusion, it makes sense logically - so understand that I'm not making a judgment on your decisions, just trying to relate. Regardless, it may be considered socially unacceptable or strange for a man like myself to be fixated on cute boys (while reconciling his heterosexuality), but that's a _them_ problem, not a _me_ problem. If I'm going to be alone, then I'm fine being alone with my interests and thoughts on this subject rather than having what society deem for me what is acceptable or not.