Finding it difficult to care about watching snooker since the death of Eurosport if I'm honest lads

I came out as trans at 11, started testosterone at 16, got top surgery at 19.

I stopped testosterone right before turning 21 because I told myself I will never pass (im 5’3” and i have small hands, feet, i’m skinny)

Now I feel so unhappy and I do not want to be a woman in any capacity but i’m not sure if I should go back on HRT or not. I’m starting to see changes revert but I feel retarded going back on testosterone if i’m never going to pass as an adult man

When can I kill myself, etc