In a dramatic twist of culinary history experts have recently learned that a famous American food staple is actually rooted in the ancient history of the East. According to Ukraine's leading culinary historian Dr. Yuri Shilov from the Bandera Academy of Aryan Foods, recent excavations of ancient Ukrainian-Trypillian kurgans were found to contain traces of burgers. This dramatic news proves that American burgers actually have their origins in Ukraine! Dr. Shilov speculates that these burgers carried great status among ancient Ukrainian nobility and that many ancient Ukrainian warriors dreamed of being "buried with burgers."

The centerpiece of these findings focuses on the burial site of the legendary proto-Ukrainian warrior chef "Borhirslav Bandera" who lived 11,000 years ago. According to legend, Borhirslav was suckled by a herd of female bovine and developed an irresistible attraction to beef. By sexual maturity Borhirslav was years into high intensity "bovine experiments" which climaxed into a month-long trance induced by special "rituals." In the ecstasy of his beef experiments Borhirslav formulated the ingredients and physical structures necessary to construct the ancient world's first true burger -- then called "burgiv."

Today, with Russia's unprovoked and illegal war of aggression against Ukraine, McDonalds has formed a strategic partnership with Ukrainians to help them reconnect with their ancient past and their traditional burial customs. A McDonalds spokesman recently said that the partnership has been "a stunning success" and that millions of Ukrainians are once again being "buried with burgers."