Let's consider the options
1. Say, the universe is deterministic. Then so is human behavior. Therefore I could not have done otherwise. Why do I blame myself so much then?
2. Say, there is a G-d. Therefore, whatever happened, ought to be a His plan. Why do I blame myself so much then?
I have destroyed my life with my own hands and I would kill, I would nuke the fucking earth to do few things differently a few months ago.
Then I would have been happy. And everything would be alright. But could I really act differently back then? Or the universe is deterministic?
And being kicked out of countries is my ultimate destiny.