It was a good thing, was it not? The good thing to do.

To try saving family, to not kill…

“… Why indeed?” She mumbles, looking up towards the clear blue sky, as if reminiscing about the past. The breeze blows and my shadow—Yukari’s, not mine. A burden—flickers, and soon her pink eyes are on mine again; a shuffling of her grocery bag rang out before her hand would reach my face, caressing the tears away with a ghostly touch. “Have you wondered why I'm here, child?” Her hand then cups my cheek. “I am Yukari’s only friend, and in any other circumstance I’d be by her side, fighting this afterlife away if necessary; I have more than enough power to justify myself in a war—yet, in her moment of greatest need… I am just not there?” The question comes with the withdrawal of the hand, and she’s resumed pace, a traditional building slowly silhouetting the fog in the distance. A tall tree, too.

“… I don’t know,” I try to jostle my mind for an answer to no avail. Heart hurts too much, body trembles. I want Mr. Anon to hold me, Ran to hug me, Ms. Reimu to sing to me a-and…

I am dead. Yukari killed me.

The pink-haired woman nods, as if already expecting that. “I have a very particular power in the Manipulation of Death—life and death are my domain… and, like Yukari and now you, I live on the border between them,” eyes soften, the sound of dirt squashed underneath soles offers little solitude. “It wasn’t always like that. Now, I need to command it, and a few selected are beyond my capabilities… A thousand years ago, it had no boundaries. Death, life. Given and taken at will,” something stirs inside at those words, memories of darkness and heavy rain and cold mud and a colder corpse. “A greatly coveted power and far too much for one girl—thus, I… killed myself… Yukari found my body.” She spoke low and wistfully; only a hint of a feeling beyond me was captured.

At that feeling, my shadow sobbed.

That stir jumps and spreads, and I nearly lose hold of the grocery bag. Loud screams within are soon recognized when their source, the invisible wound in my chest, clenches: the Gap is lamenting. “… When I did what I did, it was for a noble purpose. It spared Japan—the world—from whatever roots that power could cultivate. It was the good thing to do.” She’s looking at me; words cannot form. “It mattered not to my only friend. She didn’t get relief from my suicide; she didn’t stop feeling threatened or worrying that people would come after me. All she got was a cold body strewn against floorboards and a broken heart… I don’t understand what she felt or what she saw beyond the obvious, yet what I’ve seen since the inception of this nightmare has shown me I irreparably broke that woman,” unlike those I shed, her tears are ancient and silent. A waterfall, deep in a forgotten temple. How many more people have seen what I’m seeing at this very moment? “… I killed my friend’s heart and invoked a spiral of despair that’s loomed over her ever since, and now… W-Will cause her death.” She cleans her tears with a trained movement. “It was my most selfish act in life.”

My shadow weeps, and I stare dumbfounded at the woman’s face, my face pallid. The clockwork behind that painful memory, laid bare. I would’ve puked if I could.

Had I not consumed the Gap and rather killed Yukari in Flan’s flames, I would’ve died for sure. Gensokyo would be free, yet all those promises, the people I love…

… I didn’t want to lose them.

I didn’t wanna die.

Was it a selfish decision and not an act of kindness? How many more will Yukari kill and destroy, and how much more will Hana and Ms. Reimu make her suffer before ending her life? Every bad and sad thing that stems from Yukari surviving is my fault.

It was… the good thing to do, was it not…?

To cling to my life.

“I do not have the heart to wound Yukari more than I already have. I won't fight against her,” the woman resumes, and I desperately seek refuge from my inner turmoil in her voice. “I am not blind enough to stand by her side and condone the things she’s done… I meant to lure her into my arms and away from her sins, yet that wound I carved barred my voice from reaching her,” the building shrouded in fog comes into view, a massive cherry blossom crowning it—unlike the others, it’s dead. “It was the correct choice, my suicide. It saved the world from my power… But every choice causes ripples, child, and mine crushed the person I held dearest to my heart.”

Cold spreads, and my heart pounds in my ears.

“You did a good thing, and despite everything, I’m thankful you spared her and her baby a cruel death… but good for the sake of good bears a vile fruit.” The shadow hangs, dark memories simmering. Love was never meant to be shared that way. “I should’ve fled with Yukari when we had the chance. I'm so sorry my stupidity led us here,” pain saturates her voice. “… You’ll have to endure the burden of your choice forever, like I, for the consequences of misguided good are never the individual’s alone.”