>>512405512
>why am i still alive?
I would like to suggest something-perhaps attend Divine Liturgy at a local Orthodox Church and see the wonders of God through the church. I know you might disregard my suggestion, but that is how you seek happiness. Find God. He will make you joyful. Hope you do well in the future, Anon. And I hope you attend a Church near you, for your sake-and God's sake.
God bless.