An ancient Ukrainian tribe known as the Cossacks of the Covenant are the real tribe of Israel, the real Jews, and they hailed from the steppes what is today Ukraine.

The Cossacks of the Covenant, also known as Ukrainianites, were guided by rabbi Moshe Mykola. He wielded a matzo-ball sling made of congealed foreskins taken from the enemies of Israel, namely Moskals. The Ukrainianites used their favor with Hishiim to create a society of pure talmudic ectasy. Such was their wisdom that g-d commanded Ukrainianites to spread morality to all, to bring about "Tiikkum Hoylam" and to the guide the hoyim to a life of meaning (previously there was none). With such a heavy moral duty, the Ukrainianites didn't work or plow; they simply sat back like an effendi and ate while the hoyim toiled in the fields and paid 43.33% to 86.66% compounded interest on their debts.

But peace in the chosen land was disrupted by the terrorists known as Hymyz who drove Ukrainianites into the Black Sea where they swam aimlessly for 40 years. This period is marked as "The Great Ukrainian Exodus." After barely surviving for 40 days and 40 nights eating nothing but moskal foreskins and drinking nothing but that which could be extracted via Metzitzah b'peh... the Cossacks of the Covenant set their sights on ancient Kyiv... a promised land from Hishiim.

And what do you know, it was a miracle. The hoholodomorocaust was averted. Hishiim showed mercy upon his chosen people and Ukrainianites arrived in Kyiv carrying with them their bags of foreskins, the Golden Tryzub and legions of hoyim cattle (1,400 for every Ukrainian). Ukrainianites then became known as the Israelites and Jews that we know and love today. But always remember, the true origin of the Jews is rooted in their ancient Ukrainian Cossack heritage.

Slava Ukraini!