normal brain wants healthy gay long term relationship, trauma brain wants evil toxic whirlwind of a homoerotic situationship that I'd have to bring up in therapy. I want to get infatuated with a guy who's a good friend at first but gradually pushes the buttons of my insecurities and vulnerabilities to get whatever suits him from me. I want to be something malleable he can shape into what he likes. bend over backwards for attention, be in physical pain for him, put up with emotional pain from him being callous and less attached to me than I am him, starve and change my appearance so I can be more like a boy I think he might like, cut myself for him, etc. in person I'd let him punch my stomach, choke me, cut me up, kick me, cut me up, cnc. if I was really insanely obsessed with him I'd want to carve his name wherever he wanted because I'm an idiot. but idk how to explain it but, most of the appeal is not the kink part but the whiplash and unpredictability getting attention and affection one second vs feeling like you're back in the cold and have to do pirouettes to get his attention and approval again. all of this gradually developing after knowing him as just a nice guy friend I'm infatuated with first... ahh I'm going insane lol I wish I had something like this so much that it feels like withdrawal but sadist guys you meet online just wanna beat you up and call you mean names with 0 tension and build up and eroticism i hate it