>>40960143
>I have a lot of self-hate for myself
NTA, and this might not be my place to say, but for me at least the way I put an end to my self loathing was to find my true self, as gay as that sounds. I can't really give any instructions on how you do this because it's different for each person, but it is essentially understanding where the core of yourself lies, and distinguishing it from the rest of yourself. What I mean by that, is you find what parts of you that are actually you, then what parts have been added on over all the years of experiences you've had, whether that be pain, joy, suffering, grief, etc. Some of these are good, but most of them are bad, only serving to hinder and chain us down. You'll find that at your core, you're not as shitty of a person as you think you are.

You should find parts of yourself that are wounded, or shouldn't even be on there in the first place, then you must go through the long and arduous of moving past them. Imagine you are a diamond that has been buried beneath a pile of shit, but you're only seeing yourself as the pile of shit, not the diamond. That's essentially where the self hate comes from, once you find yourself WITHIN the pile of shit, you can stop hating yourself. Once you begin to REMOVE the shit, that's when you begin healing. You may even be able to keep a few gems ('ems, if you will) you find along the way amidst your cleaning and keep them moving forward.

Good luck Anon