I think I might actually just be selfish, lazy, ungrateful, and have a huge ego.

Ever since the self-hatred and anxiety has been somewhat receding (for absolutely no reason by the way), I can see that I've been ignoring the people I care about, doing nothing to better myself, and just generally thinking only about myself and my problems, air quotes optional. Plus I just turned 30 and am still basically working a minimum wage job with no real prospects. I'm like the definition of a loser.

I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I mean, if you strip away the self-consciousness and anxiety I've felt for forever, this feels like who I've been for my entire life, or at least ever since I graduated college.

I'm almost a little terrified that this realization won't even make me do anything, just like the last hundred times I've had a semblance of clarity.

what am I gonna do