Day 40. The last 10 days have been the hardest. Each day I sat and edged for hours, watching porn. By God's grace, I didn’t cum, but my streak feels as dirty as it can be. The reason is boredom. I don’t know what to do with my life. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it gives me freedom. I just have to figure out what my path is and how to walk it.
But what I realized during these 10 days is that porn is really destructive on its own. I had read all that information before, but recently I truly felt it myself. It’s comparable to a mini-relapse. You feel all the same bad things as if you had relapsed, brain fog, less manly feelings, dark thoughts, you know the rest. My balls are still full, but my soul feels hollow after all these days.
Still, it’s endurable. The benefits are so worth it. For the first time in my life, I felt in control of myself. I felt that power. Yeah, I failed to sustain it, but nevertheless I’ve tasted it. And it was beautiful. Never in my life did I think I could give up smoking. But I can. And I will, after I stop peeking. And I will stop doing it.