damn.. all that is.. pretty accurate actually...
im shamefully unemployed right now. and that obviously makes the rest of my life worse. i cant even look my family in the eyes because im completely useless.. i dont have a purpose..
when i do work i cant help but overwork. i just have a need to keep moving. but right before she and i broke up i was going through a deep depression that lost me my job and i was unable to do anything for her.
i did fall pretty quickly for her, but couldnt keep those promises..
i never cheated on her (physically and emotionally), but i was guarded, especially near the end (which im sure made it seem like i was cheating in her eyes)
i do see love as a a sort of contract i suppose. its like we need to be coworkers in upkeeping the relationship maybe. and that prevent me from cutting back on my seriousness for the relationship. ive never been around anything other than a sort of "contract love" so im unsure how i can be more free without making the relationship too casual (my grandparents and parents both stayed together just because it was needed.)
ive never really been able to balance anything in my life. its always just do or die for me..
i dont know how to change that notion of love in my mind since i constantly pick at it mentally.. causing it to fester like a scab in my mind..
i dunno.. i just cant subject someone to that kind of relationship..