>>939356452
WHAT OH MY GOD THIS IS SO PRETTY and the filename too!!!!
You're not lower or higher than others, you're just you. You have no idea how others are doing other than what they consent to showing you.. this is life... If you affirm to yourself that you are xyz, your world will show you that. Try writing down things you like about yourself that don't have to do with comparisons and try writing things that you want to achieve in your life, like, dig down inside you and look into what you really want and how you can achieve it. Don't focus on the "realistic" parts of it or if you can get it now.
You're staying alone because it's more comfortable than being exposed in something that you struggle with. That's fair, I do that too. But it's not what's aligned for you. Just because something is comfortable for you or all you know doesn't mean that's what's meant for you.
Growth is uncomfortable but it's absolutely possible for anyone, I've been through it but now I'm in an extremely comfortable position in my life but I'm still facing uncomfortable things when it comes to myself. Things I don't want to face or deal with because it's too vulnerable or too much work or something else, but if I want to get to the place I want to be in life I *have* to confront it. The only thing that's stopping you is yourself and the only person who can adjust the scale for you in your life is yourself. Obviously this sounds like some toxic positivity bullshit but you have to let it seep in and ask yourself what that means to you.
Also, I struggle with apathy too, I don't feel anything (not in a depressed way, but I feel like a buzzing light.) in terms of normal emotions and it's difficult for me to even tell if I love something too (pair it w my ocd and it's a double whammy) but you have to learn how to unwind and let your emotions flow. That's your first vulnerability stepping stone and it seems like you're handling it well, you're even showing gratitude towards me. :]