how to deconstruct from desperately wanting and fantasizing about romantic love (as a woman..) The desperation is the key. Not giving up on love altogether, but decentering the "gaze" or needing to feel desired or whatever. To be free. I don't think this is entirely inherent to female psychology. I'm trying to lay aside the "shoujo/disney romance" propaganda I've been fed my entire life. I think it's only made me more autistic, retarded, and disillusioned after being incredibly hurt by the only people I felt I could unmask around, out of "love," who supposedly "loved" me. I want to learn to feel secure, complete, and content alone. Maybe that goes against human nature, but maybe that's a hard lesson I need to learn if it's so wrong. Who knows. Sometimes I think growing up on this website gave me permanent brain damage that I try to compensate for by reading and overintellecutalizing everything, but in the end I'm still an autist who doesn't relate to anyone irl. And when I thought I did (romance), it failed me. It failed both of us. But I can't stop craving it, like having love is the difference between having "authentic" connection vs. not having anyone at all. This is precisely why I want to de-prioritize it. Focus on other forms of connection (particularly to oneself).

This fuckass dog that I loved blocked me on instagram (I didn't do anything bad though..), but my female friends send me pics of it everyday, and I remind myself how lucky I am to even have people who care about me.