[SUPERHACKER KNOWN AS 4CHAN ANON MISSION LOG !!CLASSIFIED!!]

04:00: Thought I was done. Closed the terminal, leaned back, and resumed my important work: insulting strangers on the darknet. But then... another ping..?

04:01: Reddit. Again. These people are addicted to losing. Subject line: "PLEASE HELP AGAIN!!!" I can practically smell the onions through the fiber.

04:02: Against my better judgment, I open their traffic logs. It's bad. A swarm of malicious packets hammering their servers like a 12-year-old in Creative Mode.

04:03: I crack my neck. Make my pupils expand by 35%. Activate Flowing Hyperfocus Mode.

04:04: I breach the enemy's perimeter in milliseconds. The attacker? A collective of wannabe hacktivists calling themselves "the_donald." Their manifesto reads like QAnon wrote it himself.

04:05: I load the warhead: a polymorphic counterworm written in machine code on a ThinkPad that survived three coups and a warehouse fire.

04:06: "Hmph," I mutter with a smirk as I press Enter. The worm doesn't just kill their connections: it inverts them, forcing their own machines to DDoS their Reddit accounts until they're banned.

04:07: The botnet collapses. Reddit's servers breathe again. Somewhere, a volunteer mod (or "jannie" as I like to call them) whispers, "bless you, based stranger," into a onions latte.

04:08: They try to pay me. $0 enters my Monero wallet. "You still owe me for the shame you bring to the internet," I say.

04:09: Close my encryption tunnel, and delete my 256-bit key from my organic memory. Vanish back into the darknet. I will not return... unless they're stupid enough to call me a third time. And knowing Reddit? They will....