>>41645915
>despite my expert repchad pokerface at that point she could tell something was wrong
>started asking if I felt okay, I said yeah
>she seems relived
>she opens the door for me and I sit in the passenger seat
>she leans in like she's looking for an opening, but I can't look her in the eyes so she doesn't know what to do from there and pulls back
>gets in and starts the car, I had already texted her the directions to take me back home before our date so we just sat in silence while she drove me home
>during the entire car ride I wanted to sink into the seat and disappear, it felt like I had made a really horrible mistake ever agreeing to this
>she's also looking increasingly anxious
>after a 15 minute drive that felt like hours we eventually get to my neighborhood
>lived on the outskirts of the suburbs so there's a lot of woods in between each house
>it's dark now
>she stops on the side of the road in a spot where you can't really be seen by any of the houses
>seems to take a deep breath and then stares right at me with a determined look in her eyes
>stare back
>she leans over and starts going in for a kiss
>grab her shoulders and push her back
>say I'm so sorry but I just can't
>she looks incredibly disappointed and hurt
>I can't hold my tears back anymore and just start sobbing right there in the passenger seat
>she starts crying too
>eventually we get it together and she drives me the short distance to my house
>get out without saying anything and she drives away, I go back inside and rush up to my bedroom without talking to anyone
>don't cry anymore
>just lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling thinking about things
>do that until it's light out again
>pass out
>try texting her an apology when I wake up
>blocked
>don't blame her
and that's why I didn't start dating again until 4 years of estrogen and some serious personal growth
yes looking back I do feel like a total piece of shit for leading her on but it is what it is