>>33852652
Thank you Anon. My life may be shit and the world even more so, but I'll keep having hope for myself and for humanity.
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weird situation with bf's friend is over?
i'm very much in love with my bf and he's my first everything. i'd like him to be my first and last boyfriend in the sense that we stay together forever.
but, this is what has been happening
>be khhv
>always found boys/men intimidating and scary, tended to avoid them
>meet my bf
>for the first time since i was 12, i had a crush
>sweeps me off my feet and we become essentially best friends, and then a couple
>happy relationship times, living like a married couple essentially
>go to concerts and festivals with bf sometimes since we like the same kind of music
>but, the more we go to concerts the more we meet an old friend he has who is big in the scene
>he's very respectful, gentlemanly, compared to most of my bf's friends who i thought were subtly hitting on me when i met them
>we're both not very talkative around each other it seems
>but still feel nervous energy whenever i'm around his him
>eventually realize i might have a crush on him
>especially after situations like for example..
>random guys kept bumping into me, and my bf not noticing it, but him cussing them out and getting angry, even if i was trying to look like it didn't bother me
>buying me and my bf drinks often because we are a bit poor and still studying
>just generally seeming attentive towards me, even if at the same time both of us avoid directly talking to each other
>i try to do everything right at this point
>keep as much of a distance while still being polite whenever we are around this friend
>last time my bf and i were at a concert (and the friend too) i felt like i made a mistake though
>definitely smiled and laughed way too much around the friend
>also accidentally stood right next to him very close at some point, thinking i was standing next to my bf, and my bf noticed (genuine mistake)
>got embarrassed and basically ran to stand near my bf
>some time later, bf says he feels like his concert going days should be over at this point
>says he wants to make some distance to this friend too
but, this is what has been happening
>be khhv
>always found boys/men intimidating and scary, tended to avoid them
>meet my bf
>for the first time since i was 12, i had a crush
>sweeps me off my feet and we become essentially best friends, and then a couple
>happy relationship times, living like a married couple essentially
>go to concerts and festivals with bf sometimes since we like the same kind of music
>but, the more we go to concerts the more we meet an old friend he has who is big in the scene
>he's very respectful, gentlemanly, compared to most of my bf's friends who i thought were subtly hitting on me when i met them
>we're both not very talkative around each other it seems
>but still feel nervous energy whenever i'm around his him
>eventually realize i might have a crush on him
>especially after situations like for example..
>random guys kept bumping into me, and my bf not noticing it, but him cussing them out and getting angry, even if i was trying to look like it didn't bother me
>buying me and my bf drinks often because we are a bit poor and still studying
>just generally seeming attentive towards me, even if at the same time both of us avoid directly talking to each other
>i try to do everything right at this point
>keep as much of a distance while still being polite whenever we are around this friend
>last time my bf and i were at a concert (and the friend too) i felt like i made a mistake though
>definitely smiled and laughed way too much around the friend
>also accidentally stood right next to him very close at some point, thinking i was standing next to my bf, and my bf noticed (genuine mistake)
>got embarrassed and basically ran to stand near my bf
>some time later, bf says he feels like his concert going days should be over at this point
>says he wants to make some distance to this friend too
>>41317412
4/5
Your list is etched into your brain just as it is the paper you write it on. It is very substantial and real, not just a collection of thoughts but a document you know with all your heart and reason is true.
I wrote mine in tiny writing (and very hard to read, I didn't want it to be read by anyone else so it is almost like a code, with scribbled, incomplete and abbreviated writing. It only needs to make sense to you. Use acronyms, made up words, symbols, whatever), but each thought led to other thoughts, analysis of each point, unpicked fully, and ended up filling every little bit of space on the page. Whenever I get that quick zap of seeing a trigger, the immediate next thought is my list, and then that's the end of it until the next jolt from a trigger. It does not require me to pray or plead for the temptation to go away (at least not yet), I do not feel like veering towards and skirting that line. The thought of my list and the absolute conclusion written on it lays bare all that lies within the process of the vice and I'm just not interested in experiencing any of it.
4/5
Your list is etched into your brain just as it is the paper you write it on. It is very substantial and real, not just a collection of thoughts but a document you know with all your heart and reason is true.
I wrote mine in tiny writing (and very hard to read, I didn't want it to be read by anyone else so it is almost like a code, with scribbled, incomplete and abbreviated writing. It only needs to make sense to you. Use acronyms, made up words, symbols, whatever), but each thought led to other thoughts, analysis of each point, unpicked fully, and ended up filling every little bit of space on the page. Whenever I get that quick zap of seeing a trigger, the immediate next thought is my list, and then that's the end of it until the next jolt from a trigger. It does not require me to pray or plead for the temptation to go away (at least not yet), I do not feel like veering towards and skirting that line. The thought of my list and the absolute conclusion written on it lays bare all that lies within the process of the vice and I'm just not interested in experiencing any of it.
>>41317014
Your list is etched into your brain just as it is the paper you write it on. It is very substantial and real, not just a collection of thoughts but a document you know with all your heart and reason is true.
I wrote mine in tiny writing (and very hard to read, I didn't want it to be read by anyone else so it is almost like a code, with scribbled, incomplete and abbreviated writing. It only needs to make sense to you. Use acronyms, made up words, symbols, whatever), but each thought led to other thoughts, analysis of each point, unpicked fully, and ended up filling every little bit of space on the page. Whenever I get that quick zap of seeing a trigger, the immediate next thought is my list, and then that's the end of it until the next jolt from a trigger. It does not require me to pray or plead for the temptation to go away (at least not yet), I do not feel like veering towards and skirting that line. The thought of my list and the absolute conclusion written on it lays bare all that lies within the process of the vice and I'm just not interested in experiencing any of it.
Your list is etched into your brain just as it is the paper you write it on. It is very substantial and real, not just a collection of thoughts but a document you know with all your heart and reason is true.
I wrote mine in tiny writing (and very hard to read, I didn't want it to be read by anyone else so it is almost like a code, with scribbled, incomplete and abbreviated writing. It only needs to make sense to you. Use acronyms, made up words, symbols, whatever), but each thought led to other thoughts, analysis of each point, unpicked fully, and ended up filling every little bit of space on the page. Whenever I get that quick zap of seeing a trigger, the immediate next thought is my list, and then that's the end of it until the next jolt from a trigger. It does not require me to pray or plead for the temptation to go away (at least not yet), I do not feel like veering towards and skirting that line. The thought of my list and the absolute conclusion written on it lays bare all that lies within the process of the vice and I'm just not interested in experiencing any of it.
dealing with stress dreams
I frequently suffer from nightmares that leave me to start the day in a horrible state of mind and body that sometimes takes hours to deescalate. Rapid heart rate, tenseness all over my body, oftentimes shaking, swirling thoughts, emotions spinning across rage, terror, regret, sorrow, inability to return to a state of rest.
The focus of these dreams is often one or more people I have encountered that hurt me in some way in my life.
I have been betrayed by nearly everyone I've ever cared about. The only ones who hadn't are dead, so seeing them in my dreams isnt exactly comforting either; awakening to the reality without them in it never loses its punch.
I dont know how much longer I can go on like this, haunted by people whose malevolence took their toll on my real life and left it worse by having been in it.
For several years I've been living a life of solitude. For anyone outside looking in I got the peace and quiet I was asking for from all the malevolence and betrayal. But I don't know how to move on from the perpetual state of abject misery I was in when I chose to flee from it-them, everything. My dreams keep me there and I don't know why when I now have the freedom to be at ease and heal
The focus of these dreams is often one or more people I have encountered that hurt me in some way in my life.
I have been betrayed by nearly everyone I've ever cared about. The only ones who hadn't are dead, so seeing them in my dreams isnt exactly comforting either; awakening to the reality without them in it never loses its punch.
I dont know how much longer I can go on like this, haunted by people whose malevolence took their toll on my real life and left it worse by having been in it.
For several years I've been living a life of solitude. For anyone outside looking in I got the peace and quiet I was asking for from all the malevolence and betrayal. But I don't know how to move on from the perpetual state of abject misery I was in when I chose to flee from it-them, everything. My dreams keep me there and I don't know why when I now have the freedom to be at ease and heal
social awkwardness around friends wife
My friend, married with children, called returning a voicemail I left mid April. Insisted I come see him. Was buzzed, so he offered to pick me up. After a quick shower, I was at his house shooting shit out back over drinks
His wife comes home. We get along, she knows I'm a bit weird and say offkilter things sometimes, especially when we drink.
Topic of mutual friend who we are estranged from comes up. Guy chose a succubus, we agree, they agree he looks dead inside. me, we haven't spoken in years. Try to lighten the mood with humor, attempt to lead into joke, address friends wife saying I bet when you suck friends dick he appreciates it
1) I'm single & no relationship I ever hated was built on spontaneous enthusiastic blowjobs
2) comparing example of good marriage to bad one
3) implying she clearly satisfied her man, which bitches always be bragging about anyway
She gets visibly uncomfortable and whole friend is telling me off walks inside. Make my case to friend I don't understand and I'm sorry for any offense. He keeps saying 'its none of my business' and I 'made it sexual' when I wasn't, I could have said made breakfast in bed to the same effect.
They're tattood, drink smoke, and met in a bar. I didn't expect the fact an adult married couple pleasing each other in a positive way to be taboo or some big secret.
What did I do wrong?
His wife comes home. We get along, she knows I'm a bit weird and say offkilter things sometimes, especially when we drink.
Topic of mutual friend who we are estranged from comes up. Guy chose a succubus, we agree, they agree he looks dead inside. me, we haven't spoken in years. Try to lighten the mood with humor, attempt to lead into joke, address friends wife saying I bet when you suck friends dick he appreciates it
1) I'm single & no relationship I ever hated was built on spontaneous enthusiastic blowjobs
2) comparing example of good marriage to bad one
3) implying she clearly satisfied her man, which bitches always be bragging about anyway
She gets visibly uncomfortable and whole friend is telling me off walks inside. Make my case to friend I don't understand and I'm sorry for any offense. He keeps saying 'its none of my business' and I 'made it sexual' when I wasn't, I could have said made breakfast in bed to the same effect.
They're tattood, drink smoke, and met in a bar. I didn't expect the fact an adult married couple pleasing each other in a positive way to be taboo or some big secret.
What did I do wrong?