>>11350834
>>11350835
>>11350910
>>11350914
Tysm for the answers, they are truly, deeply helpful.
> realize your own self-image
> I actually kinda like my normal life
What I learned about myself is that I'm entirely driven by extrinsic motivation (ie approval of others, fear) and I'm no longer capable of experiencing significant intrinsic motivation (who I want to be). Even at work, I get more motivation from my boss telling me I did a good job than anything else and it's a pathological arrangement cause reward for doing a good job is more autonomy which means less extrinsic factors/motivation. And when I do fuck up people will try to appeal to intrinsic motivation - "Don't *you* want to succeed?" - and I'll just go in my head "No? I don't care, I just want to make you happy".