>>938539557
i'm tired of things and just want to be happy

i've been alone for a very time. there were some others around but i have not felt anything towards them. they just existed there. not really sure if i am actually capable to but i have to try. i've recently read a story - haven't done for a few years, that - and it was such an overwhelming storm of emotions,

it's stifling here and i want to escape somewhere, to a place that would offer a different perspective. it's not that i'm restricted but i feel pinned on a needle like a bug in a collection, unable to do anything

i'm also sick of others. few people cause me discomfort, absolute majority i don't care and don't relate to, the only communication is me telling them what to do at their task, and only a couple i get and can feel nice around

i forgot to mention i have no close friends. maybe a guy from school who i met a few times in 7 years and another from college i met him a couple times in 3 years i graduated

i don't go out much - if i do, i just go alone in the evening around my district. listening to music. i've tried dating apps and met a couple of girls but they are kind of super normie and i simply can't share their viewpoints and feel detached and disinterested, neither did i pursue getting them in bed because i neither have experience and it is very intimate for me and i didn't feel comfortable around them at all

i've been struggling with anxiety disorder and depressive episodes during my college years - but i quit medication this spring and feel stable, more or less. but it still fells like "existing" too and i want a glimpse of "life" i guess and someone to share it with, who would understand its value

a silent night, the buzzing crt transformer noise, a foggy veil and then a creeping blinding dawn, broken concrete, slight wind, cloud reflections in the rain, and also low pedal riffs

i just can't take this shit anymore