>>41095919
I am a diagnosed autist but this year I started believing I might have another mental illness too, not sure which one though. I can't afford a psychiatrist and I'd never go talk to a therapist.

My quality of life is not bad besides a few minor health issues which will only be a problem once I start getting old.

My mental delusions can be resumed in 2 or maybe 3 premises:
>Nothing I ever do is better than being dead. Nothing I achieve means something because I am supposed to be dead, not here.
>I want to be left alone, I want to be in complete solitude but at the same time I like people. When I spend more than a day being lonely (like rn) I get really unstable and start having delusions about killing myself or others. When I am with people I can be normal.

My other mental issue is that I moved cities last year and I am a stealthoid here. Problem is, maintaining stealthoid status is hard and it's taking a mental toll on me. I quickly switch between being 100% sure I will never ever tell anyone else I am a tranny and then wanting to just tell everybody and have a breakdown and hopefully they'll be grossed enough to leave me alone. I get really paranoid about this topic and I speculate a lot.
Ok the other problem with my gender identity is that when I read yaoi I get angry that I am not a boy, that I missed out on gay romance and it makes me really sad that I cannot be a boy. Then I stop reading yaoi and I no longer feel that way but I read yaoi too frequently. Besides the gay romance aspect I am generally really scared of the idea of maleness so I'd never try detransing.