I've found myself infected with a very specific kind of ephebic homosexuality. I write about it, and have alluded to it in some prior threads. It is literally the only thing that makes me feel lighter than air and happily excited. It has gotten to the point where I basically ended up dreaming about my own Tadzio. I suspect that it's due to my traumatic childhood, and that he represents the traits I have repressed in myself. However, I do not want to integrate them because then he will disappear from my dreams and I'll stop experiencing that beautiful feeling. I am convinced he is real, that I will meet him one day. I want to find him, to hold him and nurture him as my own. He will be my right-hand man, my lover, my devotee, and my god all at once. It'll all be for him.