[Conker’s Bad Fur Day]

Wanderer

Conscious Talking Thing: Clippy (Free)
Cheeky (Free)
Have a Go (900)
Conkerer (700)
Blackmail (400)
Scary Boss (200)
Sweet Pipes (100)
$1000X2 (50)
Frying Pan (Free)
Context Sensitive (50)
Big Titty Sunflower (Free)

Alcohol, I thought as I mixed up Unseen University’s patented divine hangover cure, was marketed as the cause and solution of many world problems when from my perspective it had only caused problems. It’s just that some of those problems had a better PR spin than others. Nobody raised an eyebrow when I walked up to Conker and poured the bottle down his throat-cleansing him of alcoholism forever-in part because yesterday I’d become a world leader by shooting a panther, but mostly because nobody genuinely cared.

“You done, hon?” asked the blonde implausibly into Clippy-type men. “Just about. You want to show me that…entity you reported earlier?” I asked. “Oh yeah, sure. Now I KNOW it ain’t a standard dating venue but you seem kinda interested in this sorta thing”

A few minutes later I was staring at the musical notes coming out of-yep, the smelliest sewer in the state. I turned the ground transparent with my Primordial gaze to avoid actually going somewhere crawling with germs. We beheld what appeared to be a Great Unclean One singing in baritone.

…

“Why is there a Great Unclean One here. Why. I killed the Chaos Gods a while ago” I complained.

“Uh, what’s a Great Unclean One?” asked (designated love interest/lust object)

“…there are more of those things, and I saw them nearly destroy a magical world full of wizards and dragons once” I said, dumbing down my explanation for the ignorant.

“Dang! I guess you could say the shit hit the FAN…tasy!”

I immediately cast Scourgify on the Great Mighty Poo, and the whole sewer before I could be exposed to any more poop jokes. We spent of the day drinking crystal clear sparkling water with zero alcohol