If my bloodwork shows my test levels are too high I'm probably going to kill myself. Even though I theoretically should be at monotherapy levels of E AND take bicalutamide anyways I'm still showing signs of having mid-high testosterone. Bical worked for maybe two months and now I'm back to having boysmell and getting boners and whatnot. I just jerked off this morning to the thought of penetrating a woman with my penis, which ought to be a clear sign here that my mone levels are fucked. my sexuality feels entirely male. Anyways. It's not even the fact that there's testosterone in my system and that I'm masculinizing that's the kicker. It's that I have no control over it at all. I'm not sure what to do at this point other than die once I have hard proof that things are fucked. I was going to slit my wrists or carotid in my room cause I know nobody will come check on me and it seems like it requires the least amount of extra effort (taking suggestions though). I guess that's a method with pretty low effectiveness but maybe it's different when you live alone. Don't think I can buy a gun until I'm 21 anyways.
I'm probably gonna pussy out anyways. I dunno.

I just wish you loved me. I know we literally fucked once and it's been years but PLEASE. I love you (even though it's gross to say and i'm a fucking estrogenized moid encroaching on your (real) woman life and whatnot but you're the only person I've ever loved. Please just talk to me.