Our quarterly numbers are in and they’re looking good. Orders are up. Deliveries are up. This civil war has everyone on edge and a little skooma helps. Which is why I want you to find Danica Pure-Spring and donate this tray of sweetrolls. The artificial frosting is 33 1/3 crystallized moon sugar, with enhanced addictive qualities due to double molecular chirality in the carbon chain. Our chemists guarantee it will hook her patients in one shot. When those junkies develop withdrawal symptoms Danica can’t heal, we move in with our patented Ysolda Cure All—a medicinal cocktail of skooma mixed with Sleeping Tree Sap. It’s a sweet tonic that goes down easy with a mead chaser, and only a 9% chance of overdose. Well within acceptable lethality limits. This way we get the junkie and alcoholic crowd at the same time, and rake in the cash. Oh, and it’s a fine day with you around.

Good news! I have excess moon sugar and kotnip following this morning’s deliveries. The buyer I had lined up flaked on paying for his delivery, so he shot himself in the head three times with a poisoned crossbow. Shame, that. Anyway, I’m going to use the extra moon sugar to bake sugar kot pies with kotnip topping. Kots love to eat my pie! They have a major sweet tooth, so we can sell the pies for a ridiculously inflated price, and it’s a fine day with you around.

We are out of Sleeping Tree Sap for the month and I need a substitute to pass off. I’ve been beating my brains out, but I think I have an idea. We need a powerful liquid with lots of natural vitamins, healthy minerals, and complex protein chains. I can add moon sugar and skunk mead to dress it up. There’s only one source we can tap, though, and that’s mammoths. Go out to Bleakwind Basin and jack off some mammoths and fill up this fifteen gallon bucket, please. I’ll complete our weekly orders and mail them out when you return. You can head out there anytime and get to work, and it’s a fine day with you around.

I’m trying to make this civil war pay off. I may have it, but not worked out all the kinks. We approach Tullius and Ulfric and make the other one believe they’ve acquired a super soldier skooma formula. An obvious tactical advantage! Ulfric will pay out the nose to keep Tullius from having access to that, and vice versa. We play both ends against the middle and make bank. Of course, a sting like that will be a complete one off because it won’t hold up to prolonged inspection. But we say the other one moved their secret supply to some shithole like Elsweyr, and off they go in that direction. Meanwhile, we pull up stakes with our ill-gotten millions and find a nice place to retire and it’s a fine day with you around.

I’ve rarely seen a kot without cheese. When I was a little girl I’d roll a cheese wheel down the street and watch them scamper after it. Hell, I’ve seen kots stack cheese on a table like they fucking accomplished something. Fuck is that? I mean, really. But it got me to thinking. We’re going to have a Cheese Fair out by the Sleeping Tree, and hold a raffle. A vial of skooma inside a giant cheese wheel! What with watered down soda sap, overpriced moon sugar cookies, kotnip sandwiches, and the raffle tickets, we will take in more than enough to pay off Balgruuf, insure protection from all the guards, and any other incidentals to make sure the Cheese Fair is a success. Overhead for a project like this is enormous, but I’m looking to clear a quarter million septims, and that’s a conservative estimate. Oh, and it’s a fine day with you around.

>>536483013
FOOL
in responding to me, a shitposter, you have contributed to the downfall of the thread's quality and THEREFORE... just shitposted.

Keep true to the tenets of/tesg/:
Waifus
Lore
Harmony
These tenets are presented in this order for a specific reason. Only by embracing the first two (Waifus and lore) may true harmony be achieved. Post waifus. Discuss lore.
Then, and only then, may you achieve lasting Harmony. Keep true to the plan, trust the faith.

“A high level contact at the Blue Palace has informed me Elisif is hopped up on Sleeping Tree Sap. Someone is moving in on my territory and I want it stopped. We’re going to the bedrolls. I want you to start hiring arrow men and scouting places they can hide up until we need them. Find who’s pushing the sap and who’s backing them. My money is on that bitch Camilla. Or Lydia. Ice them both just to be sure. Oh, and it’s a fine day with you around.”