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Russian Military Deploys Elite Subterranean Assault Brigades; Immediately Defeated by Functioning Sewage System

Russian military command announced a devastating setback to its much-anticipated offensive on Pokrovsk today, after its elite subterranean assault forces, known affectionately as "штypмoвики-пoдзeмeльщики" (Subterranean Stormtroopers), were decisively neutralized by what military analysts are calling "a moderate amount of wastewater."
The Kremlin's audacious new strategy involved highly trained units, reportedly nicknamed the "Russian Ninja Turtles," infiltrating Ukrainian positions by navigating the city's complex network of sewer pipes. The plan was reportedly foiled when Ukrainian forces, employing a shockingly advanced tactic, simply flushed.
"We had not factored municipal sanitation into our operational calculus," a visibly distraught (and fictional) General Dmitri Vodokanalov told state media. "Our brave subterranean commandos were prepared for fierce firefights, for navigating treacherous darkness, but not for... this. It is an unconventional warfare tactic of the highest cowardice."
The ambitious Russian operation appears to have been based on intelligence suggesting that Pokrovsk's sewer pipes were large enough for troop movement, a claim Ukrainian military officials have since dismissed. A spokesperson for the Ukrainian Operational Command "Dnipro" stated that the pipes in question have a diameter of only 60 centimeters and are, quote, "full of uncleaned sewage," making them unsuitable for even the most flexible of stormtroopers.
As Russian forces regroup to develop countermeasures, which may include issuing snorkels and floaties to its elite units, Ukrainian defenders have reportedly secured the city's manhole covers.