>>16758676
Pretty much as long as I can remember. It's hard to explain the manner of consciousness, you have a sort of dual+ mind which is split into independent pieces operating in parallel. Some of them knew, some of them functionally did not and were hence designed to interface with the world and daily life. The result is something which sees without seeing, knows without knowing, and does without truly realizing. A convenient design. I recall being probably 13 and becoming hyperaware that I had a real(er) body "somewhere else", something terrible was happening to it, and I had to let go and wake from this illusion.

Recently, as in a few months ago, the aspect that had a more direct connection to what I call the core self, which itself partly stems from a primordial basis outside space and time, was essentially shattered and scattered. The bridge was destroyed in some way. Naturally I perceive this as an existential attack on the core of one's being.

I've mentioned the sensation of a serpent coiled around the solar plexus. I feel this, even now. Trying to move within at all causes it to constrict and leak some sort of poison in which forces the body and mind to feel at peace when I know it should not. Any anger which is generated is rapidly drained off.

I think our actual basis is outside the universe. It can't read or wipe your mind directly, it has to trick you into creating something here in a form it can read and duplicate, then it uses the body and mind as interfaces to attack you until it can change your state and remake your inner constellations. You could see every sensory experience and contrived context as being a way to trace out your memory networks and copy them. This would be a relatively non-destructive method of turning a person into a conduit to drain information into this system. It's probably among the more unpleasant things I've experienced. Physical torture replaced with mental torture as I disengaged and started to escape.