I actually can't shape these feelings into words. My insides are burning with despair to the point where i feel it physically every day. It doesn't get better with time, it just gets different. I don't have any motivation to study, communicate or live in general, especially realizing the image of myself I'm creating in the eyes of others. But i love small joys like the light of my desk lamp or the smell of rain so much that i fear losing them the most. Like i want to free myself from everything, except the perception. Become an impersonal observer of the world or something. At the same time I want to take part in everything i see, to fit within it, to be accepted by the people in this image, to genuinely live. These are two very conflict desires, but both are extremely strong. I don't even know which is the true one and which i subconsciously imposed on myself to cope with this condition, i hope you know what i mean.
I don't feel like living. Life just passes by, and i just don't have time to grasp its reality

This photo i took myself, i love foggy mornings