>200% elimination of ruZZian oil refining capacity now deemed eliminated with 98% of gas stations now empty across ruZZia and a 9000% GDP deficit predicted
>pootler is reported to be trying to squeeze out one last wank behind a barricaded door in the duma with lawmakers demanding his head
>medvedev is suspected to have shot himself in a bathroom of the state legislature
>NATO membership talks underway and soon to conclude

offers of surrender are expected tomorrow but our triumphant dill heroes intend to march on moscow within seven days time!!!