Thread 723650637

MEANWHILE, AT SUPERVILLAIN /V/ HEADQUARTERS
>hmm today i will put these red conspicuous combustible barrels right where i have told my minions to take position when the heroes arrive to stop my plan

But boss, why must we leave ammo for SMGs, shotguns, miniguns, flamethrowers, and lasers around our facility if we're only getting issued pistols? I don't understand.

The combat course seems a bit poorly planned, we are taught to only attack one by one with extremely basic moves and weapons instead of trying to overwhelm the opponent, I can see how that would backfire

Finally, lunch time, I'll just leave my sniper rifle, ammo, grenades and body armor on this office table.

>>723651897
>>723652131
you got a problem wit da boss? you gotta problem wit me, capiche?

why is our own fucking base filled with laser traps and death pits in the hallways, the lasers malfunctioned the other day and two of our trainees died

COME OUT MOTHERFUCKER. I KNOW YOU ARE HERE

Eh, probably a rat

>>723653941
correct

Boss, are you sure we should put this stack of buoyant, corrosion-proof boxes right in front of the acid moat?

WHO KEEPS THROWING ALL THESE MAGAZINES EVERYWHERE?

Hey I got a delivery for enough ammo, armor, medkits, and weapons to conquer a planet.
I'll leave it right outside the boss' room.

>>723652538
...Aren't we supposed use the ventilation system to bypass them?
Why would we build man-sized vents around every checkpoint otherwise?

i don't think these bottomless pits aren't OSHA compliant

>"Dark Lord, we've discovered the location of the hero the prophecies foretold. Shall we rally all your forces to crush him before he can become a problem?"
>"nah just send our weakest dude after him"

>>723652402
this but unironically, it's hard to shit with everything on

Anyone up for whiskey and cigars tonight?

So… we’re just supposed to stand around in these rooms just outside of the mcguffin device room, and then jump in ONLY whenever someone starts the deactivation sequence?
What kind of security strategy is that?

>>723657974
Staying in the room for too long is dangerous and an OSHA violation.

can the dipshit taking and hiding all the keys for the secret weapon rooms report to THE BOSS' OFFICE?!

Holy fuck, frank got fucking sliced in half. Are we going to be ok? I heard that hot chick with the multiple arms got frozen to death, this cyborg guy is a psycho

>Who keeps painting these ledges in yellow paint? I thought our villain colors were red and black?
>Those are all osha violations sir.

>>723657630
Yeah, let's do it in the armory this time so the boss doesn't catch us slacking. If you don't remember it, Greg has the password for it. He's in the barracks, room 206.

I STILL SUPPORT THE RAILING SYSTEEEEM!

>AUUUGHH
>BEEEEEEEP

Best thread on /v/. Excuse me while I leave a full box of pistol ammo and a half eaten candy bar in my office desk.

wow that guy has shit taste in candy bars

>>723659158
You want this onions food?

>>723657630
Sure, right after I write a note for the safe code and leave it on my desk.

You know I swear I thought I heard someone behind me while I was manning the cameras, but when I turned around there was no one there. One patrol group turned off their radios too, I bet they're slacking off somewhere. When's my shift gonna end?

Hey guys, who set up all these boulders and hooked them up behind a thin strand of rope?

>>723650637 (OP)
>Enemies can throw explosive barrels at the player.

>>723659725
I seem to recall one of the borderlands games lets you attach an exploding barrel launcher to your car

>I think I'll so some remodeling today
>JEEVES, GET THE YELLOW PAINT

Just me and this red barrel… standing on a ledge… in the middle of nowhere… *whistles awkwardly*

I gotta take a dump, anyone have half of an eagle medallion so I can put it in the statue in the foyer and get a key to the bathroom?

Hey can someone come over and chat with me so I can go over our top-secret plan? I need to make sure I remember where our doomsday weapon is stored. I'm also having trouble remembering the locations of our top three generals that hold the keys that access the top-secret server room. Maybe while we're at it we can both lean over this rickety guardrail and stand a few inches apart.

So uuuuuuuuh
Did anyone notice how the boss keeps hiring people around our height, of the same skin color and with similar facial structures
Is this a sex thing

>>723659875
2

>>723660251
>>723659875
3 also has them

>>723660050
Technically it's a unicorn medal, Steve.
Oh, and uh sure. Lemme just go get those socket plugs shaped like chess pieces from Roscoe.

>>723660189
What are you talking about, bro? We don't even look that much alike.

I routinely call out potential intruders by shouting variations of "i see you" or "get out here and fight like a man" just in case one is sneaking by, gets spooked, and blows his cover

>>723660463
Hey aren't you the jack off who let the hero kill the lieutenant just behind you last week claiming it was "just the wind"

>>723660628
In his defense the winds have been particularly strong lately.

I swear I saw something crouching past me. I thought I was just about to recognize it as some kind of intruder, but then it went behind some boxes and I lost interest. I need to get my eyes checked.

>>723650637 (OP)
Who's there!?... Must have been the wind.

>>723660827
shut up faggot, I'm going to turn my back to the wall and have a smoke

Fuck I am so late for work, gotta solve this fuse puzzle and get the last chess piece to unlock my office door and hope the boss doesn't notice

>>723661010
Anon that's the door to the sewers.

>>723650637 (OP)
Da boss is so smart! He gave us dese here explodin barrels so we can fall back to different cover and leave them as a trap for the encroaching enemy! As long as they're not aware these barrels can explode we'll be fine!

What do you mean we're gonna make em bright red and put an exploding barrel symbol on them?

I fear no man, but those things… (stealth archers)
They scare me.

BROS!!!! Carl's head just exploded!!!! Should we sound the alarm??

>>723660628
i was supposed to go to my daughter's birthday that day, but that guy put me on double shift when he knew there was a thief and potential assassin sneaking about.
personally, i say good riddance

>>723661231
Nah, it was just the planes flying overhead. Nothing to worry about.

>>723661231
Spontaneous combustion is a very real and common thing around here, what with all the experiments and the ancient artefacts lying around

>>723655220
Sure they are. They are bottomless. Cant get injured if you never hit the bottom.

Hey guys, HVAC technician here. I just finished installing those freakishly large air ducts the boss wanted. Did he say he wanted the vents slightly glued to wall or just stuck on with really loose screws? I can't remember.

When cutting wood, big hand touch me
But me NOT that kind of orc!

I heard the protagonist took down the old boss with a single killphrase.
Damn, i really wished I had that killphrase for myself the couple of times I had to deal with that asshole.

ohhhh im getting to the part of my patrol in which I get to separate from my buddy and take in the fresh air out at the balcony. this is fucking sick. i love my job.

>>723650637 (OP)
>hmm today I need to protect myself, so lock me up in a room that needs a blue keycard to open, then hide the blue keycard on a tiny island in a pool of acid, but close this room with a red keycard which you need to lock away with a green keycard. Leave the green keycard somewhere accessible, but have a few grunts wait in ambush and only let them out if someone picks up the gren keycard, no matter how long it takes. This will keep me safe.

Huh, thats weird, this window just shattered. Ah well, probably nothing. Not like someone is gonna throw an explosive in here.

>>723661527
GET OUT OF MY HEAD

>>723650637 (OP)
Boss-Commander Anon, why did you buy all the equipment and gear for a super-strong squad of elite personal guards, and then only hire dumb women with huge boobs for the role?

>>723657630
Never doubt it.

I hope you've all gone to the bathroom, because I'm about to lock up this half of the facility with this single yellow keycard before placing it on my desk

>>723661231
Imagine being like this guy and getting so spooked by this thunderstorm.
Couldn’t be me.

I've got a sweet deal here. I'm currently shitting on company time AND getting paid for it. Nobody comes to this bathroom. Only minor gripe is that there's a giant air vent on the ceiling pointed right at me. Oh well, I take the good with the bad.

>>723661462
Depends.
The ones that go into dead ends or THE VOID needs to be properly shut.
The other ones needs to be loose, or alternatively show a gigantic crack in the middle

>Doing my daily patrol at the Evil Dungeon of Heroic Difficulty
>See a group of adventurers approaching me and my buddies
>They stop dead in their tracks, one keeps shouting about "bad pulls" over and over and just leaves
>The others follow him and leave too
What the zug was that about?

>>723661858
the giant air vent gets ripd of the poop smell. that's the best seat in the house

I think this base needs more warp pad puzzles.

>>723661652
To be fair, she's got a surprisingly high Vitality and Toughness stat.

Hey uh Boss, I think there was a mistake at the shipping depot. This giant wooden crate has like, 5 shotgun shells in it only. And the other 95% are just emtpy.

Now I know we shouldn't be judgmental but HOT DAMN what do you mean the adventurer is going around in basically just a leather corset and no armor

I think I accidentally swallowed like 28 credits and some pistol ammo. Am I going to die?

Why the fuck do I need to play this stupid chess puzzle every morning I come to work? And which one of you fuckers keeps hiding the puzzle pieces?

>>723662079
No worries bro, there's a whole stockpile of ammo behind the barrels on top of the platform that you have to stack some crates to reach.

>>723661231
it was safe and effective

Is it just me or does it feel like time just doesn't pass at all? Like, we're just standing here... I mean, hasn't it been sunset for a few hours now? That doesn't make sense, does it?

Look, I know people don't like the armory door being locked, but it's protocol.
I even left a note on the door to tell you guys that the spare key is on my desk in Room 414 on Floor 4, just make sure you return it after you're done having your fun shooting for the day

>>723662046
With all due respect, Boss, I love huge boobs as much as the next guy but the first Dick Kickem action hero with shades and a cigar that walks through here is gonna make those bimbos immediately defect to his side. Why can't we just hire normal black ops guys and like, just hire the whores to be whores?

>>723662115
nah, i heard the elite guys 5 floors down routinely chug hundreds of credits and RPG ammo. you're gonna be fine

For the last time, STOP FALLING FOR TAUNTS
WHO CARES WHAT THAT FAT SOD SAID, KILL THE GOD DAMN MAGES FIRST YOU NUMBSKULLS

Sir! the one and only vent in the fortress you requested built that leads from a random room and exits right behind where you will be standing for 24 hours straight is almost finished.

>>723650637 (OP)
anyone wanna do this invisible wall prank near the bathroom with me? if so, please brings some spikes and yellow paint. thanks.

Have you guys been practicing what you'll say if you manage to gun down the hero? I was thinkin' "We got 'im!" or "He wasn't so tough after all!"

>>723662714
Dibs on the suit!

>>723662714
Just keep shooting him bro

Boss, why did I only get issues 17 bullets while the guy in the next room got like 300? Are you sure I won't run out before I'm done shooting the intruder?

>It's my turn to be stuck in the empty room with 15 other guys waiting for the hero to cross a tripwire and let us all out of the hidden door
There's absolutely no ventilation, and I think one of these guys forgot what deodorant is.

>>723661063
How the fuck else are we gonna know which barrels are explosive retard? If they all look the same we migh shoot a normal one and the enemy will catch on to our plan and not go near barrels anymore. I suggest you try working on your brain. The boss don't tolerate stupidity.

>>723662714
we were all told when Payne sets one pixel in this cell to yell something stereotypically Italian like "WHACK 'IM"

>>723662714
GETTIN YER JOLLIES

>>723662878
Just do what I do and instead of hiding in such a shitty place just hide in the walls and the vents after tossing 1 HP pack on the ground
They will ALWAYS fall for it

boss, why do our hats have skulls on em

>>723663036
Your surname is literally Skulltaker retard

We gotta stop with the hedge mazes, man. I can't even get to work.

>>723663096
I DIDN'T PICK MY NAME FUCKER
IT'S NORWEGIAN

>>723663036
Because it looks cool

Remember everyone, it's my turn to feed the aggressive, taciturn horror we keep chained up in the test chamber. I'm keeping a log on my personal device and I've got my cattle-prod in case anything goes wrong. Sometimes I like to poke the fucker for fun, lol.

Do we really need to issue some of these guys with axes and shit? I'm pretty sure I saw a ton of guns and ammo inside the armory. We don't even use the AKs

>>723663239
Don't tell the boss... I can't swim.

It's my turn to be the guy with the armor and minigun!

But boss, why do we keep filling each trunk with health potions isn't that defeating the purpose?

Nah see, ets a little thang called economics: supply and demand. He won't want to use it, just incase there isn't any more and he needs it!

>>723663239
The ISO666 standard for evil organisations requires that at minimum 20% of guards to be only melee.

>>723663313
Also don't tell the boss but I didn't mean to reply to you. Also I've never shot a gun in my life before.

>>723663382
>Also I've never shot a gun in my life before.
it'll be fine bro, they say these guns never miss i can't wait to nail the hero with mine

Damn, my insurance plan sucks.

Hey guys, I have an idea. What if instead of running at the good guy while holding grenades, we threw them at him instead

>>723663498
You're retarded

>>723663498
Your eyes will never see valhalla, coward

Any idea why the boss is making me carry this epic tier gear if I'm just on patrol duty, I'm not even allowed to use it
I feel like a loot pinata, this is demeaning

thankfully the people who built this mars facility put all these 3x3 closets with sliding doors for us to hide in and wait till his back is turned

>>723663498
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

>>723650637 (OP)
Just got a heads up from our guys down at 1-2 by the beach, it's a small group of moralizing teenagers who believe in each other.
We're fucked.

>>723652131
HOLY SHIT, IS THAT THE DUDE'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY?! THAT SHIT'S MINE!

>>723662091
Have you seen how she wraps herself around her victims? I'm gonna let her grab me next!

I just don't understand why my division isn't allowed any healers.

>>723663498
WITNESS ME!

You know what PISSES ME OFF. When we shoot the guy, the trespasser, THE CRIMINAL, EVERYONE gets mad. They're like oh nooo you can't just instantly hit the guy that's invading your personal privacy, you can't have good hand eye coordination, you gotta throw a football at him and run at him with your bare fists instead. THESE ARE MY GOD GIVEN RIGHTS, FOR FUCKS SAKE. WHAT I CAN'T USE A GUN NOW? THEY EVEN STARTED CALLING ME SLURS, SOME DICK AT THE SUPERMARKET CALLED ME A HITSCANNER

Sierra 6 reporting in.
Was this hole in the wall that lead to the hostage room always here?

Guys, just a rumor, but apparently Darrel didn't get killed by the fucker boss told us to look out for, but got killed by Johnson in the crossfire.
That's bullshit, right? No way we'd shoot each other on accident

One day, I hope I get promoted to Mini-Boss. I've been practicing turning red when I'm hit multiple times in a row.

>>723663747
Which hostage room? We got like 40 of 'em. Maybe when we start running out, someone will call the super to get 'em all fixed.

>>723663747
Oh Tim made it for Carl's birthday, you know how much he likes treasure hunts.

>>723663775
Nah the boss is fucking with you. I shot Bob the other day and the bullet went right through without harming him, fucking crazy.

I-i-iitt's so fu-ff-fucking ccc-c-ccold in here

Man I should get myself checked out, turns out I passed out when I was patrolling. I think I need more liver in my diet.

I just think it would be really nice if you guys could actually pick up the first aid kits you guys keep lying around

Okay, remember, I'm placing the lightning spear inside of the evil monster chest that eats you when you try to open it. If you need the large chunks of rock, they're in the other chest.

what the FUCK is "to hit armor class 0"
these rulebooks are garbage, man. why can't we just swing a sword

My favorite part of being promoted? I get to wear a new color scheme that separates me from you plebeians.

>>723664059
What if I need a first aid kit?

>>723663747
Just put lean a loose pallet of wood in front of it, but make sure it's easy-ish to break just in case whoever made it doesn't start complaining.

>>723664095
Your color scheme is gay.

Lmao my gun never runs out of ammo. And I can throw my grenades forever too. Any heroes that come at me are toast!

>>723664095
JUST BECAUSE YOU GOT THE BLUE ROBE DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ANY BETTER THAN THE REST OF US ASSHOLE

I hear a familiar voice everytime I see a flesh-and-blooder pass by. Like someone yelling at me, begging to be freed. What is this?

>>723664095
I love this massive red laser sight they gave me for my new sniper rifle

>>723664095
Man I wish I got promoted so I can proudly wear my NOT-A-SWASTIKA.

>>723664095
That uniform is going to become standard issue in a few levels anyway.

Man I got this impenetrable suit of armor mk.2, I sure hope nobody stabs me in my unprotected butthole

>>723664095
Was you the bald guy that just walked into big boss's room? Congrats on the promotion man, you came in wearing mook clothes and walked out with medals. One day that'll be me.

>>723664181
Whats strange is that apparently the hero runs out of ammo if he picks up your gun
Any of you guys able to explain this?

>>723664309
Sieg Zeon, amirite?

>>723664095
Don't forget who you were, now that you're a big fish. Remember to take turns attacking. Boss loves inclusion.

>>723664327
This. They fucking told me I was a boss. A certified, genuine boss, and then a few levels later there's a bunch of these stupid pricks who look just like me. This company is going under, I swear. Wasn't like this back in the day.

>>723664215
You're not gonna believe this, skelebro... Fleshies kidnap innocent skeletons and trap them in their squishy skin-suits. You gotta free our brothers! They're suffocating in there!!

In the morning, I feel like I've been given drugs.
In the afternoon, I feel like I've pulled a muscle.
In the evening, I can't barely move.
In the night, I feel like I've been given drugs.
I stand in the same spot, in the same location, and yet I magically feel stronger or weaker, I don't know why.

>>723664452
>a few levels later there's a bunch of these stupid pricks who look just like me
Take a closer look. They have a different color!

Have you guys heard about John over in Gate 1? I heard he was being let go because the intruder got in while he was taking a smoke, heh.

Why the fuck does this door only open from one side?

>>723664452
we got hit with a bunch of layoffs man, higher ups have to do the jobs now because there's no minions anymore
there's a guy that literally summons 4 of us as a default attack, even he's getting strung thin

Fuck, Greg just got assigned to the German branch. He just hasn't been the same since.
Those sci-fi guns look sweet though.

>>723664624
Apparently the boss caught a couple of guys with one, "DOORS STUCK" they screamed, and we gunned em down.

>>723664534
HUH?! OH SHIT
I NEED TO GET THAT RUSTY SPEAR THEN, I'M BREAKING TOO MUCH BONE WITH THE MACE

>>723664640
How come we can't do this shit with all of our training but the assholes straight out of the tutorial can do it with their dick tied behind their backs?

>>723664309
It's called a Notstika now, anon.

>>723663036
guys, i've been thinking.
there's sure is a lot of satanic imagery around here, we have a lava moat and the boss is talking about rebuilding society by burning everything to the ground, after which a new civilization will sprout from the ashes.

are we the baddies?

So uh, is anyone going to clean up the blood and bones from the mimic's room? It's starting to smell...

>>723664683
I had a buddy sent to Germany. Took seven bullets to the nuts. They weren't able to ship his body home before he despawned.

>>723664624
Standard way of keeping unwanted good-doers away.

>>723664640
This is why you gotta stop giving your guys projectile weapons.

>>723662714
I'm just gonna get back on patrol and act all cool about it.

>>723664624
don't ask, also make sure to put a bunch of waist-high boxes near the door, the guy doesn't know how to jump or climb over anything
don't worry if the door is made out of rotten wood that he can easily break with his giant fuck-off hammer or axe, it'll be fine

>>723664782
nah he said there'll be free ice cream when its done

>>723664785
Not it.

>>723664797
Brilliant design. I often hire the same contractors to build a hip-high level wall to keep my wife out.

All of my female subordinates must be scantily dressed and doing seductive moments. No exceptions.

How long is long enough to investigate a shitload of automatic gunfire and screaming? I heard some in the next room over, checked it out but couldn't find anything so I went back to my room after about 15 seconds of looking around.

>>723664928
You do this everytime, and each time its just the wind. You need get your ears checked.

>>723664782
I don't know but later he said something about having to break some eggs to make a big omelette and man I'm hungry.

I CAN SEE YOU.
I CAN SMELL YOU.

>>723664916
uh... boss, we have bad news
the hero's gay

>>723664782
at least blood is easier to pay than taxes

Boss said to put this indoor fence one day, then next week he asked me to move it into a brand new position in the same location. I don't understand his point, who the hell is coming through here anyways?

>>723664928
It was probably nothing. If you see a body that wasn't there before, maybe lean forward menacingly and walk around for 30 second. If you don't find anything the guy must have gone home.

>>723665010
Like they were meant for him.

How's it going my fellow bad guys? I just... uh, transferred here and... um, would you happen to know where the base's self-destruct button is? As you can see I am clearly one of you, because I am wearing your uniform.

I just don't feel comfortable working alongside ghosts

>>723665129
boss, you don't even come through here man
also why's YOUR boss a hot office lady? what's the big deal with that?!

Man, this isolated research facility in the middle of the jungle is starting to give me the spooks. I'm gonna start writing a diary, probably keep it behind my pillow in the barracks.

OH GOD OH FUCK HE'S TEARING US APART. WE NEED BACK UP. SECTOR 47B. HELP HELLL-

Uh guys, Why is it that we have so many locked chests, but we put 80% of the building’s total money into smash-able crates and pots?

>>723665154
take the stairs then it's the 2nd elevator to the left, go to -4F
you'll have to get the key from the big guy upstairs, though

>>723665154
I've been asking that same question for weeks but no one knows how to solve the puzzle to get into the reactor of complete and utter rape
It's an efficient power source I don't know why everyone's so scared of it

Witchcraft and Sorcery?! I don't believe in ancient demonic prophecies or the power of the supernatural and so for this, I was selected to carry out the will of the Brotherhood! he elders of the Order insist that I am chosen; that God grants me special favour... only now here, in this hellish place, at this late hour, do I hear the hollow laugh of death ringing loudly in my ears. What a fool for accepting such a mission... where is my God now when I need him most? He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find his destiny in the maws of the Beast of Aaargh.

Can you guys stop leaving ammo and health kits up in the man-sized vents, you know none of us can fit in there

>>723665182
That's not my boss. That's my bitch. What is wrong with you henchmen these days?

Hey. Whose been smashing all these crates. I'm trying to get some sleep here. I just had a 48 hour shift at the toxic waste factory, staring at an empty hallway.

The dude I usually cross paths with on my assigned patrol route hasn't been there the last twenty times I've looped around. Should I report this or something?

>>723665010
I SAID NO EXCEPTIONS ANON!

>>723664095
This was the best part of playing ultimate chimera hunt, getting that sweet cape for styling on the chimera so often

>>723665359
is that why I peeped through the keyhole and saw her stepping on you, with you bound in rope?

>>723665182
Now you didn't hear this from me, but I heard from another dude; this woman? I heard she's replacing humans with robots. Robots, man! I thought it stopped with desk jockeys but it turns out, our jobs are at risk too!

>>723665191
>diary
that's old school.
i have this brand new audio recording thingamajig that automatically records stuff when i talk or horrifically scream in terror into it

*grabs mic*
*speaks in russian*

>>723665413
You missed the part where I broke free, bent her over my desk, and fucked her right up the ass. It's called reverse-rape play, henchman. Once you're a boss, you can have all the bitches you want, henchman.

>>723665459
she has a weird obsession with that... guy, Raven I think? even hired an entirely new girl just to try and trick him into her grand plan
that energy, Coral, is apparently alive... heard it from this one junkie tho, he was high on that shit

Hey guys, I lost my audiolog. Not a big deal but I may have recorded all the passcodes to the armor on it?

I can't aim my smg for shit, but I think I'm getting the hang of these grenades.

I think I just saw some guy bending his legs to make himself shorter, inhuman shit

>>723665546
huh shit, learn something new everyday
thanks boss, i'm gonna go walk in circles for 3 hours while I contemplate on this

MY ASS IS HEAVY

>>723665459
>I heard she's replacing humans with robots

>>723665485
Get with the times, we have holograms now and can record both audio and visual. You can get a clear recording of yourself getting painfully torn apart by the monstrosity that boss keeps in his basement, but uh you didn't hear that from me.

i just saw the hero fly through a fucking wall
like he just PHASED through that shit at high speed, backwards even! what the fuck was that?!

>>723665663
It's called "patrolling" man, didn't you pay attention in Mook Orientation?

Guys, I have a genius idea. What if... we built a shitton of halfpipes, quarterpipes, ramps. Shit throw in a corkscrew and a loop. No human being would ever be able to get through it. We'd never have to worry about a hero ever again.

>>723665739
uhm... no boss, I don't pay attention for more than 10s even though I swear I just saw someone that wasn't another one of ours

>>723665738
You're hallucinating, you goomba.

man, that guy doesn't give up does he? everytime I run away, he's magically there wherever I land next... I really need a nap...

Hey guys, boss is calling us to the auditorium. Said something about a speech?

TUUUUUBES

>>723665881
oh shit, like right now?
i hope to fucking god the techie doesn't accidentally switch over to the USB I left in both projectors...

>>723665881
Oh yeah, I heard nothing about it? Who are you anyway?

>>723664849
how's he gonna get the ice cream across the lava moat without it melting?

>>723666006
...
Oh shit

>>723665958
You didn't hear it over the intercom? Were you sleeping in the bathroom again?

I sure feel bad for the guys patrolling the sewer level. Better them than me though.

Don't tell anybody but I only have a 45% chance to crit, not 50%. Doctor said it's a glandular problem.

I die, my world goes black in an instant, and then I'm back again, only to get killed by the same guy over and over. Sometimes, my soul gets ripped out and my world goes black for more than an instant, like a few seconds, and it's back to the loop again.
Man...

Everyone thinks you gotta level health to become a miniboss. "If you don't gotta visible healthbar, you're not qualified for the role".
For me? I don't need the prestige. Evasion all the damn way. Won't see my pay docked for medical expenses.

>>723666065
Was busy patrolling, checking if those red conspicuous combustible barrels were still there by the entrance where we left them.

Hey, I'm new here. What's in these blue barrels?

>>723666150
My man, you've GOTTA teach me this!

>alright crew, the boss hired us to guard the facility
>you two guard that corner, I've got this corner

>>723666237
Who knows? Boss said we aren't allowed to look in there. Don't mind that they're placed next to ledges you can climb if you placed the barrels near them.

You know, I like this Jeano guy. Even lets me walk to the side before he blasts me away, so I get to see a scenic route instead of hitting the wall.

>>723664452
I got sent to the main base for an errand a few weeks ago, and there were legit no soldiers there. Just a whole lot of generals that kind of looked like they were doing the same job as us.

>>723666237
The ones with the black top placed randomly around the base? I heard they were filled with cement so you couldn't move past them.

What if we all ganged up on the intruder at once? We could probably kick his ass if we just had every guy in the base show up at once and beat the fuck out of him. I don't think there's any reason for us to fight him one-on-one.

>>723666362
really? i don't think getting kicked in the nuts is fun, and this guy even fucking gets a pan randomly dropped on his head and he avoids my super duper attack that I came up with!
girls not having nuts is so unfair...

>>723665154
Hold on, if you were one of us you'd know it's actually a self-destruct lever. That's like the first thing covered in goon orientation. You got some explainin to do.

>>723666374
Didn't you get the memo? Half of our workforce are on strike, after getting groped and putting in a court case against the boss.

>>723666237
Red is explosives, Green is hyperadvanced nanohealing liquid that we ain't allowed to touch, Blue is water to put out the fires.
Kapeche?

>>723666415
look man, I don't wanna get hit with your fuckin' burning super death sword, okay?
get out of my way and I'll deal with him quick, watch this!- ARRRRRGH HE PARRIED ME-

>>723666415
That's what the guys in the later sector are doing. Stick to your position near the vertical door.

>>723666497
>that we ain't allowed to touch
But what if we get hurt?

I like working at the underwater base because I get to see fishies :)

>>723666415
Dumb ideas like this are why you're just a grunt. Boss doesn't pay you for thinking. Now go back and stand there behind a trap door like you're supposed to.

>>723666006
That's why there's quest on the notice board for some magical ice gathering. Might take it desu.

my arm's starting to get REALLY tired holding my sword up so long in this attack, can I please just do a normal swing, boss?

>>723666540
Eh. I like working on the airship better. Good for birdwatching and I heard it's uncrashable too.

>>723666497
What's yellow?

I noticed there was some exposed wiring near a puddle. Should I be worried?

>>723666532
you call for a medic that doesn't actually exist anywhere in our facility, got it?

>>723666492
Damn, even a dark wizard can't just ignore the lawyers, huh.

You guys have to stop with the edgy names if we're ever going to present ourselves as a legit and reputable mercenary band.

>>723665202
Did anyone else hear something weird on the comms just now? I swear I heard something about sector 47B. Actually, hold on, I'll go check out sector 47B alone real quick. You all keep patrolling around here. If I don't come back send someone else to check on me. Make sure he comes alone.

>>723666415
You never heard this from me, but I heard some guys back in Sector 81 jumped an intruder even though they were supposed to be guarding different hallways. All of them at the same time, with shotguns and grenades, the whole shebang. They killed the guy but then over the course of a few months, all turned up dead. "Accident" with a red barrel, friendly fire, guy fell through a wall, ass cancer. All dead. I'm pretty sure this whole thing is an inside job. They're just trying to make money, they don't give a shit about getting the intruder. It's all for show.

>>723666668
oh don't worry, the power for that wire was turned off and the panel's closed with the universal key that's in the janitor's closet, nothing's ever gonna happen

>>723666701
Weak and pathetic ones, lol.
All my bitches know they're mine to do whatever I want with

>>723666736
"Robust Cockroach" is a fucking embarassing name, fuck you

>>723665382
Eh, I'm sure it's fine. He's probably off takin' a piss or som-

Man, I wish that one Succubus gave me a kiss... no fair that the Hero gets to have that for free.

Who keeps labeling shit with yellow paint? We're not supposed to help the hero.

>>723666931
You don't got the hitpoints to tank it, sorry bro.

>>723666931
You can only be tempted by a Succubus if you're pure-of-heart, retard. Way to out yourself ITT

>>723666962
It's for the new guys, be patient with 'em.

>>723666962
blame that new crew they hired, they think we give a shit about precarious ledges that we stand next to all day

Would someone please wipe the floor down at the cafeteria? It's still wet after some fag knocked over blue barrel with water. And call an electrician for fucks sake, the cut electric wire has been dangling above the puddle for who knows how long now, at this rate we will have an accident.

Me? Yeah, I'm a forest variant of a regular grunt. I take 50% less damage from Water-based attacks and have a slight boost to my Physical resistance. What? Fire? Don't ask me about fire.

Why do we all have to wear these RIDICULOUS helmets?

>>723666983
This is why I love being a miniboss. Sucks for you regular mooks

I use the shotgun.
You know why?
Cause the shotgun doesn't miss, and unlike the shitty standard issue assault rifles it stops a protagonist in their tracks in two clicks. Bang, bang, and they're fucking done. I use four shots just to make damn sure. Because, once again, I'm not there to coddle a scum sucking player, I'm there to 1) Survive the fucking level. 2) Guard the boss. So you can absolutely get fucked. If the player respawns, which they will, you can guarantee I will continue to use the shotgun to dome players. Because it's quick, clean and effective as fuck. Why in the seven hells would I fuck around with the laser shots, which take half a clip just to bring someone down, or with the grenades which are slow as balls, bounce back in your face and do about next to jack shit, fuck all. The shotgun is the superior 1-UP removing weapon. Because it stops players. And it stops players by reducing the number of players roaming the fucking level.

As it stands now, players are allowed to prance around doing whatever the fuck demented, sick exploitative shit they feel like, yet us grunts have to toe the line and be 'fair to fight' while getting fucking murdered in the process. Fuck that. Fuck that right in the god damned eyes and squish 'em into a paste, that's garbage. That's a sack of shit.

>>723666983
why can't we even use the potions that drop when we die anyways?! why is it even part of our kit, we can't use them and they're just extra weight...
>>723667014
oh come on! i only killed a FEW people to get here, the hero killed so many more! that poor innocent skeleton I watched get whipped to death must've led a good life!

>>723665606
I don't see what the issue is. If someone wanted to steal the armor he'd still need to get the keys from Joe in room 208 on top of the codes. If you had something else important on the audiologs we keep backups in the server room.

Where do you guys want all of these buzzsaw blades? I dont think Ive ever seen a tree before but HQ keeps ordering them in

Who left all this ammo, medkits, and armor right in front of the boss's door?

>work here for years
>climb up the ranks
>get strong as fuck to impress the bossman
>tells me he tells me todays my lucky day and I'm gonna be one his top men
>he puts me deep in the dark shitty basement to protect a key 24 hours a day
Guys I'm think im getting trolled. What the fuck am I supposed to do, how to I work up from here

>>723667115
because we've had reports of deaths from headshots, now wear them if you want to live, no don't ask why there's no face mask to go along with it

Why the fuck do they make us carry so much ammo? I've got like 1500 rounds for this AK, are they expecting us to get invaded by a small army or something?
If there's an intruder I'm not going to need more than 1-2 mags for one of us to be dead. I have almost 50. Every fucking guy in my sector is the same way, we've got enough bullets to level a building. This seems like a waste of money and it's annoying having to carry it all. Shit weighs a ton.

Any gasmask grunts here? How do you even see with these things on, why are we even wearing them the Hero doesn't even use poison attacks

>>723667180
I'm pretty sure the next Supervillain Lair over ordered them. In fact I don't think it's a Supervillain Lair at all, just a Lair.

>>723665637
That was obviously the wind or like a rat or something. I mean how would that even work? You bend your legs slightly and turn invisible? Come on man.

>>723667208
oh that was a gift actually, figured the boss was running low and I wanted to keep him well-stocked for the inevitable fight against the hero

GET THIS FUCKING GUY OUT OF THE SECRET ROOM MOOK CLOSET HE FUCKING SMELLS LIKE SHIT. STATION HIM SOMEWHERE ELSE. ANYWHERE ELSE.

>>723666736
I used to call myself The Weight of Sin... When I was deployed, I'd tell the enemies, "can you handle the weight of your sins?!" before I killed them like a boss in my red and black armor. I had to quit, though. I'm not that guy anymore. Everyone just kept shortening it to The Weight and ruined the whole thing.
Now I am Living... on the Edge

>>723667273
because it's really cool, also you just use that weird line-of-sight thing to see, you don't need to actually use your eyes, that's where the bullets come out anyway

>>723667273
you can't see shit but you LOOK absolutely stylin'
>that middle guy
what the hell is that arm emblem, the Pennsylvania keystone?

>>723667273
It's for the aesthetic. If you don't appreciate being a nameless, faceless rank-and-file grunt then GTFO. The boss says we are the vital cogs in his noble machine, so suck it up and be glad you've been chosen to represent his glorious cause

>>723667414
Yeah, he's a new transfer from our lair in this place called The Pitt. I hear it's a shithole but the women there are hot as hell!

>>723667226
buddy you've made it
just watch youtube on your phone and collect a paycheck
you might have an intruder like once a year (at most) and he's not gonna stand a chance with the pylons in place; just make sure those don't go down and you're golden

I'll be honest with you all, I have dyslexia, I thought I'd be going on a trip to Vilnius in Lithuania, not working for the Villains. They kinda just gave me this uniform and rifle, and my flight home isn't until next week.
You mind if I just stand outside the walls by myself to at least try to enjoy the local area?

...I know!
A REALLY fucking big bone!

>>723667473
I'd shoot this dumb broad myself, but she's the boss' niece.

>>723667464
Why can't we wear like. half masks? Or tacticool goggles instead? It's hard as fuck to get a good cheek weld with these things on.

>>723666532
The boss ain't payin you to get hurt idiot

Guys I think I've got it. Boss put me in the forced stealth zone dector, and I've never seen any action since. It's all chill. This is awesome.

>>723667528
Go for it dude, you'll love the animals in our sewer levels.

>>723667473
THIS
IS
SPARTA!!!!
>*kicks her off a climbable ledge, as she spills the paint everywhere*

>>723667602
I went to see how this guy was doing and found him dead after getting shot with too many tranq darts. Damn..

They keep telling stories of this merc, man... how he's apparently invincible, knows our location and attacks down to a T, and always uses the perfect loadout for every mission. one of his partner's this dumb bitch with a smiley face emblem!
gives me the creeps, man...

How come that hero guy can heal instantly from drinking some cola or somethin' but when I try it I'm still mortally wounded, just with some good in my belly? Fuckin' bullshit.

>>723667602
What's your vector, Dector?

We really gotta stop outsourcing for our security forces.

>>723667689
What was that?!

>>723667689
>>723667786
haha, yeah, it's my lucky day! time to go buy a candy b

>>723667802
OH SHIT IT'S CANDLEJ

I forgot to write the Security Report so I'll just record that and the PASSWORD to the ARMORY in this AUDIO DIARY. Once I'm done I'll leave it on the TABLE in the SECURITY CHECKPOINT and hide behind these RED BARRELS by the Cracked Wall for a quick nap.

>>723667854
EY... why's another villain in OUR territory? shit ain't fair, candlejack ain't sh

>>723667541
Ohhh I know how this one goes. Happened last place I henched at. Replace the no-weapons guys with skeletons at first. Then the guys with guns are replaced with skeletons, because you can use skeletons for fucking everything. Even the guys working the food court and the accountants got replaced with skeletons.

>>723667473
So the boss can hire this broad to do some painting, but he can't hire an interior designer to put some props around this zone? Shit looks like a grade schooler drew some shapes in the level editor

>>723667962
some of the guys out in the open fields got motorcycles, actually... man, what I'd do for one of them even though it's 1682

>>723650637 (OP)
I want to fucking fuck those fucking barrels

>>723667768
Bloody bastard I will be for to killing the hero you are goondog

I can't understand a goddamn thing you retards are saying over the comms. Not only are we using walkie-talkies from the 80s, you all sound like you smoke a carton a day and slur all your fucking words.
You know how bad the mic quality is, fucking ENUNCIATE.

Best part about working here is that the toilets actually flush. Did you know some villain HQs don't have working toilets? They're just for show!

>>723668062
ppphfhhfhhhtrogerffttatttsss

why is this nigga SO FUCKING LOUD?!

>>723668107
Copy that.

Holy shit guys keep your head down, theres a sniper ar

I swear I saw an intruder, but when I checked, it was just an empty room with nothing but a janitor's closet shut tight with all the stuff thrown on the floor, and something panting in there.
These kids man, just make a mess then leave.

>>723668171
HE'S OVER IN THAT BUILDING, GET— AUGH!

Does anyone else feel... slower when it starts raining, or like, there's a lot of fog in the air? Sometimes I even feel it when there are too many of us in one place.

Okay, so every female in our HQ is a scantily-clad killer, human or otherwise. Why do we all have to be monstrous hunks? What if I like looking at twinks instead of the girls, huh? Boss never thinks about these things... hell, the hero might be homosexual, you have no idea!

Then again, that fox girl upstairs gets a LOT of kills...

da boss hires the weirdest people...

why are the only ledges we're allowed to grab the ones stained to hell and back with bird poop?
in fact, why do we even have to hang from ledges like this?
i'm pretty sure it's an OSHA violation

Sorry guys, but the hero's party has met my recruitment requirements. I'm switching sides. I'll be sure to leave my equipment and forget my skills though.

>>723668027
>been applying to be a bike grunt since last year
>this bone faggot just shows up and he's in
We need a union

>>723668062
>slur all your fucking words
no i don't, you spic

okay, I might not be a henchman, I'm just an honest merchant but I really gotta fucking ask
why the fuck do you guys have everything I sell on you and we've never done business? this is bullshit, I sell my potions at honest prices and the hero just goes to kill you people over and over to get a boatload of them for free!

>>723668484
don't forget to never learn the attacks you had in the battle vs the hero by the way!

why's our boss a hot chick? what, is she preparing to be the hero's wife or something? that'd be silly

>>723668484
Lance, no!
Damn. He was the only one of us who stood out.

>>723668610
You do realize where we buy all of these potions, right? It's a win win for you.

>>723668818
why does HE get a name anyway? we're all called Soldier, it gets super confusing

>>723650637 (OP)
No One Lives Forever coded thread

The shipment of new weapons just arrived. It's game time, boys.

>>723668878
Speak for yourself, they call me Spearman

>>723668840
WE HAVE NEVER DONE BUSINESS! you idiots just sit in your lair forever, you never go out shopping!

>>723668958
>you idiots just sit in your lair forever
you can never be too safe with the heroes running loose, thank God our fortress is impenetrable, now if you'll excuse me i'll put my secret passwords and keys into my big fat pocket and stand right outside the gate to make sure no one gets in

>>723668947
so what, there's 6 other Spearman in your squad too, led by a dude called Weiss who's literally a carbon copy of you but he has blue clothes.

fellow boners, what's your favorite weapon? i love my rusty and broken-in-half scimitar and wooden dinner plate shield, they're really fun!

>>723668878
Just roll with it bro. I asked my commander this morning if I was in the right squad of identical goons, and he had no idea who any of us were.

guys, I don't have much time, there's someone going around stealing our piggy banks and emptyin- AAAAAAAAAA HE'S GOT ME, HELP, HEL

>>723669121
I'm using a sword, my other arm's missing after the party last night.

>>723668291
I have no idea what you're talking abou abou abou abou abou

>>723669121
for me, its climbing into the spiked wheel

>>723669121
i'm using this sucker's arm i found last night lmao
sucks to be him, can't wait to see the look on the hero's face when he gets smacked with it

>>723664640
>internet: snipers are extremely overpowered and need to be removed from every game
>snipers in game:

>>723669121
Sometimes I pick up my buddy's femur and use it like a club. It's hilarious to watch him hobble around and try to take it back. When all else fails though, I use my good ol' wooden club with some spikes in it.

Why do we need all of these industrial crushers all over the place? I can understand one for disposable, but there's human-height ones making up the walls or just in the floor without any fencing around them, and I gotta patrol these areas all day! Someone's gonna get hurt!

>>723669276
man, how do you not get sick and vomit- oh wait right, we don't have stomachs! shame there's no carts in this whole land to explain where the wheels come from...

>>723668926
PAULIE "WHEELS OF FURY"

>>723669121
I use my head

>>723669471
okay, bro

>>723664990
BRAP

why is it that everytime I strike a killing blow on the hero, time suddenly reverses 10 seconds in an instant? it's like I'm back to a snapshot of the fight, this is bullshit

hey guys I think we should fill all of our rooms and hallways with propane tanks

>>723664928
Nothing ever happens.

>>723669312
That era of BF has always been one of the games where snipers (bush wookies) are actually fucking shit. Turns out most elite vidiya sniper oper8ors can't actually deal with bullet drop AND travel time, or the possibility of getting fucked by a heli or mortar'd at any time.

I just heard a noise in that dark corridor, I'll go check it out alone by myself, I'll be back in a

>>723668357
I think you are just gay dude
I wanna look like guts from berserk that's why Im here I aint tryna look like some gay little queer

>>723650637 (OP)
Boss I just installed a new locking system to your door. I know I’m telling you this now but I wasn’t sure if you were here so I left a little note next to the door. It’s just a reminder that if you forgot the password I put a hint in the kitchen clock.

>>723669818
who are you even lifting for, bruh? we're all stuck here and the chicks don't even pay attention to us, they phase straight through us in group fights

>>723669752
What was that sudden, pained yelp you just let out? Ah, whatever. I'm gonna turn around and stare at a wall for an extended period of time. Sick of these fucking drama queens around here.

>>723667273
you probably don't do your monthly respirator check. Its paperwork that management needs so you can request one that fits better.

>>723669312
How much more "fair" does it feel playing vs a stock sniper as opposed to one with a Huntsman? The snipers people generally complain about are hitscan ones. Interactivity is everything in a video game, and if someone can drop you without needing to adjust for bullet time, drop, your movements and whether or not you're paying attention to him, all make a huge difference in how the engagement "feels".

>>723669881
>we're all stuck here and the chicks don't even pay attention to us, they phase straight through us in group fights
youre supposed to rape the good guys who get sent to fight us bro. I have my own pettanko magical girl sex slave back in my room.

>>723669921
>this post was typed by hero hands

Why do we all have to wear these ridiculous ties?

I'm done with this, never hiring another drow merc group to defend the base. All they do is demean me next to the boys and for what, like a two percent crit chance increase?

>>723669987
bullshit, if you had a room you'd have a name!
look who's lying

>>723670075
my job title is faceless buff goon. I'm the first mini boss for all the cute girls they send after us.

...L-Look. I only came here to get some cash, hard to get a job. But I'm fucking terrified of her! Why am I even here?!

Shit... the hero just killed me for the 34th time... this is it for me, I'm not gonna come back from this

Miniboss bros, what is it like being one? I'm working on becoming one myself. I heard you become bigger once you turn into one

Boss, every time this guy infiltrated our hideouts he took the time to enter every single room no matter how much time it took. Can't we just build our future hideouts with a few dozen empty rooms on each level and ambush him in every one he visits?

PSA: Attention all associates. Please refrain from walking through the Three Swinging Blades Trap With Death Pit™ to get to the cafeteria. To ensure proper safety protocols, access the secret maintenance door located on the left wall before the first swinging blade instead.
Thank you and have a villainous day.

>>723670154
you'll be right as rain tomorrow, don't worry about it

>>723669987
bro share

>>723670175
feels pretty good desu famalam
since I'm the first guy the heros run into that is a challenge I usually end up plapping cocky brats who breeze through the regular goons.

>>723670175
You just get a few stat buffs and some idiots to order around. We die all the same.

I just don't fucking get it
It's the same gun
It's the same fucking ammo
Why the FUCK does the hero do more damage with it than me
It's not fair

>>723670239
we get random sluts trying to raid our base every week bro get your own

>>723670308
he aims for the right spots like the head or nuts, you can't hit the broadside of a barn!

>>723669690
bäsed

You know how we ambush the hero and the escape routes all get this weird spell on them automatically? Why don't we just jump up onto something and stay there, maybe rotate so these seals never go away. Not like the hero can jump up to that cliff we jump off of to get to the arena.

>>723670308
Hah, get fucked. My company's got biocoded tech. The guns are amazing in our hands, complete dogshit when anyone else tries to use them.

Alright, here's your shipment of 50 Invincibility Spheres, 20 Radsuits, 35 Overheals, and 2 suspciously-hero shaped boxes.
Planning to have a good time tonight, eh fellas? All for you?

Im building a team to raid the hero's base
(you) in?

>>723670519
https://youtu.be/Ma-WJUidpRU
It's payback time.

...he might be a kid hero but he's more of a monster than any of us...

bros why are all our female commanders always big tiddy bitches in revealing outfits? Where are our evil flat chested girls?

>>723670679
faggot detected

CHECK IT BROS, I finally got my upgrade after hours of working out! Don't mind the conveniently placed weak point on my back, I'm never gonna turn my back on the hero!

The boss finally got the orange fuzzballs deployed, the adventurers don't stand a chance!

>>723670679
because the big tiddy bitches are CLEARLY the ones in charge! who cares about washing boards anyway? that's what the hero is there for, to clean up the trash we have around here

My boss is pretending she's a streamer. I'm quitting.

>>723670228
whats the game at the top

Why don't we simply build a room with a single door that requires an ability the hero already has to enter, but requires a later ability he doesn't have yet to open from the inside? Boom, hero trapped forever. Let's just make sure we don't do something stupid like put the ability in the next room connected by a vent or something.

>>723670889
Mine got hugged at a con and is now scamming thousands of retarded suckers into giving her money. They'll never so much as kiss her ass like we literally have to do sometimes. lol

>>723670939
early build screenshot of Sen's Fortress

>>723670948
OSHA is gonna flip bro

>>723670948
My man... we leave these 'save points' all over the castle even though we can't actually use them. And they're all near these rooms!

>>723671004
cool didnt know early screenshots of dark souls existed is there anymore?

>>723669921
tf2 hit detection is so bad the sniper rifle just doesn't fucking work half the time, i don't know where the meme that every server is 100% shutdown by a single sniper started. i can go days without even seeing a sniper on either team, but every day there are multiple dead ringer kunai facestabbers with essentially infinite instant respawns
does anybody else remember when snipers were ridiculed for not being dangerous enough? a bunch of SFM/gmod videos have a common gag of snipers sitting on the battlements scoped in and ignoring the spy or huge battle right behind them, but now everybody acts like sniper is too powerful

Guys. Guys just trust me on this. My play's gonna ROCK.

>>723670228
And what if the hero just uses the maintenance door retard? I say we get rid of it and make everyone walk through the swinging blades. Sure, our employee turnover rates might go up, but then the hero won't be able to proceed deeper into the base. There's no way he's getting through those swinging blades. We'll just get the guys in manufacturing to use the machine that makes perfectly identical goons to make more.

>>723671258
You weren't wrong! Let's rape his bitches before they go back to the void!

>>723671258
Awww shit, he actually set this up. I gotta see this.

>>723670679
Just because you're evil doesnt mean you have to be a pedophile bro.

i figured i would say this before i go
it was so great working with everyone, 50 years goes by quick! now i get to retire and finally spend some quality time with the old lady down at the- wait what is that
OH GOD NO PLEASE JESUS OH JESUS HELP ME PLEASE AAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGG

okay, I get that we get hired and whatnot to sit in these dumb castles all day
but where the hell does all this gear come from? there's no blacksmiths anywhere

>>723660628
At least he isn't the smartass who always says "it's quiet, too quiet" when that cursed fire warrior is just a corridor away.

>>723661045
Where else could we put on the rare uniforms the boss got for us

please god stop with the sewer levels. it's not stopping anyone from invading our hq. sure they complain about it online, but they still keep coming.

>>723671991
>pull trigger
>miss

>>723672094
there are two types of levels
the ones everyone complains about and the ones that nobody makes

Is there a game that lets you be a grunt and do fun grunt stuff.

>>723662141
It must be the same son of a bitch that keeps putting the glowing barrels and boxes on houses outside of the cathedral instead of putting them in the cathedral as it should be! Instead he made some kind of glass color puzzle!

How do we know which one of us respawn and which don't? I hate having to live in fear of not returning to my family every time I clock-in

>guard duty outside
>it's freezing
>the 6 other guys I'm with have all gone to take a shit or something
>shift's over, just want a warm shower
>open my locker
>two dead guys and all of my stuff falls out
>one of them lands on the soap bottle and crushes it
Wish I'd taken that Shadaloo job instead of this

>>723672326
Team Fortress, Entropy Zero

>>723663036
Because our God loves them, didn't you read the rug that says "Blood for the Blood God" on the entrance?

>>723650637 (OP)
I worked in a warehouse with Sodium hydroxide and other dangerous materials.
Explosive materials always are in BLUE drums and RED drums are for oxygen

>>723664204
Yeah! What he said! also on other news i got this key that unlocks the forbidden dungeon, good thing i got transferred to bumfuck nowhere!

>>723672995
That's nothing man, I worked in a warehouse with Sodium Chloride

>>723670679
did you get the big tiddy bitch commander in a smart pantsuit and cool glasses? eric from 3-7 got the big tiddy bitch commander in fatigues and a peaked cap, i'm fucking jealous

>>723669121
Gotta go with the rotten wood shortbow and rusty arrows. Nothing beats that

What's up with all those medkits and morphine ampules scattered around every corner of the base?

>>723665546
>Once you're a boss, you can have all the bitches you want,
Why us secret bosses don't get any of this?, just a item with broken stats that get even better when someone beats us with no effort, or makes us join him instead of getting the damn thing!

I'm in love with the woman who killed half our forces and cut off half my limbs. Forget collecting the wish orbs to grant bosses wish - what if we use them to make all women dress and act like this?

>>723673736
can't get bitches if they don't know you

>Stationed at the tower of a 1000 trials on the 678th floor
>For some genius reason there's no fucking elevators and the stairs are on opposite ends of each floor.
>The only bathroom is at the first floor
>It's either hold it in for the 1 hour 10 minute trip down to the 1st or just shit my pants
I gotta quit man the money isn't worth it

>>723674031
But i want love man! why the world must be cruel with me?! I'm better than the boss!

>>723674068
Trust me buddy, elevators suck. they always break down and some asshole is always jumping on top of them or murdering the guys inside.

>>723674170
kino image

I can't stand working in this place anymore man, the workplace is just too toxic.
I think I have liver failure now.

My throat is sore from all the ominous chanting, anyone got some breffmints?

>>723674649
The science faggots keep leaving glowing barrels filled with God knows what laying around everywhere but their stations, they also aren't at risk of being murdered by heroes. I think I'm getting cancer in a few years this is such bullshit

>>723674649
>>723674832
I told you to become a respirator-wearing grunt anon
I fucking told you

I've been assigned to watch over a completely empty field at the edge of the base and they gave me a really lazy route where I just walk back and forth at the same place. I think I got lucky. There's not even anyth

Is anyone suspicious as to how the boss gets the money to pay us? We're just out there doing evil shit, we're not selling any goods or services. I don't even know why we're poisoning rivers and attacking random villages.

>>723674790
I... ate all ur breffmints...

>>723660030
Look, are you gonna take guarding the barrel seriously or not?

>>723675118
bro
we're fucking villains
the boss is a literal criminal

>>723675118
>suspicious
Of what? You think the money is coming from less than legitimate sources? Newsflash, we're evil, that's the whole fucking point.

who the FUCK put TRIPMINES in the fucking BATHROOM
mines go OUTSIDE the base to kill intruders BEFORE they get IN, stop putting fucking explosives where we're supposed to SHIT

>>723675960
Orders from above, said we have to abandon the sector because the bioweapon is going wild there.

>>723675960
Hey just be glad you didn't go for the TP.

Attention all mooks, the nuclear launch to eliminate the protagonist capital city is t-minus 20 minutes. Keep your guards up and report any suspicious activities!

>>723676286
Will the boss try to save us all if the nukes inside the base are activated?

>>723677109
Probably covered by hazard pay, so I'm guessing not.

>Sir, your shipment for 100 wooden crates filled with gold coins came in, should I put them into storage?
Hell no, just scatter them randomly through the base so I can admire them wherever I go

The boss rocks, holy shit MY LIFE FOR THE BOSS

>>723678231
>tfw our boss is literally just an evil rock
heard there was a hot kitsune hag in that rock, thoug- OH FUCK

The henchman industry is in shambles ever since they've started bringing goblins in.
That guy over there isn't even half my size, how is he even supposed to stop an adventurer?

>>723650637 (OP)
Never should of come here

The correct term is henchperson, get it right

>>723678701
You fool. They're supposed to use their special skill to steal the hero's items thus rendering them less effective

>>723678804
stop the fuck up, rattler

>Any of you guys heard about the last hero that came through?
>We were chilling in the barracks just like this when BOOM he hits me and my mate over there with some kind of tranquilizer dart.
>Then he takes all our numb bodies and shoves them into a vent so that it takes Tom hours to find us! What an asshole!
>Boss-man says that one was apparently on a “non-lethal play through” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

IF I CATCH ANY OF YOU GUARDING THE ONE VENTILATION SHAFT ENTRANCE INTO MY SECRET OFFICE, I WILL FIRE YOU. PACE BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE BLINDSPOTS LIKE I TOLD YOU. I DON'T LIKE WHEN YOU BLOCK THE PURITY OF THE HALLWAYS AIR COMING IN THROUGH IT.

>>723679014
Reported to the Human Resources department for disassembly and undeath.

It's time for me to walk this hallway again

STOP MISSING YOUR KEYS
I AM TIRED OF RECEIVING EMAILS TELLING ME YOU LOST THEM AND YOU'RE LEAVING ME THE CODES TO THE DOORS LIKE IF I FUCKING CARE
STOP DOING THIS SHIT!!

>>723657630
I'm gonna be a little late, need to raid this guy's house, name is "main, character" shouldn't take too long.

>>723669312
snipers in bf4 are dogshit

WHAT WAS THE PASSWORD TO THE BATHROOM
I'M SHITTING MYSELF RIGHT NOW

>>723657630
I'll do it when I'm bored of guarding the "24/7 DO NOT LEAVE THIS POST" area.

Guys how many times do I have to say it, you're supposed to feed Cindermaw two fully grown cows a day, once in the morning, once afternoon.
Stop trying to skimp on his feed by using calves or dead elves, otherwise he can't hit his daily nutrition intake.
He just ate Kenny's arm because the poor thing was still starving, look at what you've done.

>>723684008
Try...
..0451.

I swear to baal I think the same adventurer has invaded this dungeon at least 3 times already. I know a lot of these retards look the same because they buy gobshit gear in town but either a family is down a set of triplets or something fuckin weird is happening.

I was promoted. How long do I need to stand in this locked room again?

Guys, something really fucking weird is going on in the base
I swear to god I just saw a cardboard box move
Is this building haunted?

>>723687694
Must've been the wind

My hands are getting cramped flying this drone both and forth...And why do they want me to fly so close to the ground anyways? Aren't people patrolling the ground enough anyways!? Nobody's gonna get past this much security...

>>723665154
It won't work unless you attach three fuses to the generator. Then the self-destruct sequence will have the power to blow this whole place to the stratosphere.
I actually have one of the fuses, the boss said I gotta keep it on me at all times.

>>723666150
what fucking game is this
is he actually dodging your bullets

>>723684008
should've taken the gep gun jc

>>723662079
>>723664059
>>723661968
>>723655220
>>723669690
>I think
The boss does the thinking, you do the shooting. Got that?

You're late on your status report.
WHAT'S GOING ON RESPOND!
We lost contact with Strut F, sending a search team to investigate.

>>723690742
>game sets up stealth mission
>immediately forced detection and huge gunfight
and what the FUCK is a webp

Another day, another moustache twirling

GUYS, BE QUIET!
...do you boys hear footsteps in the vents?

Guys the code to the armory is 0436, make sure you have it written down incase you forget.

Whatever you do dont press the "ENGAGE ALL TARGETS" button on the unlocked turret control laptop Tim left in the cafeteria. Jerry almost had an oopsie and killed us all, the rascal. We are going to have a technician look at the thing in the morning so just leave it alone for now.

>>723695008
That's probably just the wind.
So you hear about the boss's plan?

>>723672470
easy, if you have a big ass healthbar you don't respawn

What was that noise?
....
Must have been my imaginati-

There's a super badass guy who easily wipes out dozens of hired guns and he's about to invade my facility. Who wants to sign up to come protect it? I can promise low pay and subpar weaponry if you do

DAMN IT WE CAN'T SHOOT THIS GUY WHILE HE'S DOING TAKEDOWN ANIMATION ATTACKS ON OUR BOYS

Well I'm sure I saw some sort of action hero guy firing a gun over there and murdering my colleagues, but it's been about 30 seconds so I'm sure he's gone now. Back to my patrol

>>723680483
>All of Black Mesa's Air passes through my ass and balls

>go to the kitchen during my patrol shift to make some food
>open microwave
>box of ammunition inside
who the fuck keeps putting it here

>>723650637 (OP)
>not super/v/illain
You had one job.

Can you guys stop leaving expensive elite firearms around? It's not like someone's gonna use them against us or anything

Sir, am I tripping, or does the target appear to have a walking talking blue fox beside him?

>>723650637 (OP)
>He's been killing a lot of our guys, boss, you think this heavy armor will do the trick?
>"Not only will it work, but I've made sure to leave a small, thin square of cloth on your back, so we can move all the armor to the front, making you a walking tank, and here, get him with this slow firing, slow reload shotgun"
>I see nothing going wrong with this, you're the best, boss
>"And if this doesn't work, we'll just use the flamethrower next time, putting the red and extremely flammable tank on your back, as well"

>>723655504
Kinocerned.

>>723657630
I wish I had someone to smoke and sip whisky with.

>>723650637 (OP)
Redittest thread on /v/, where are my twitter screencaps and my falseflagging poltards with disingenuos arguments at?

>>723662115
fucking got me