>>11814020>Just has awful controlsThe controls aren't bad at all. You can attack and move at the same time, then you have a jump, jump attack, downward thrust jumping attack, and a crouch attack along with a high jump holding up and pressing jump. It's all very responsive.
>laughably poor bossesThere's about two or three easy bosses and that isn't too bad. Older games are based around bosses with simple patterns and exploiting them anyway.
>horribly inconsistent and unbalanced RNG item dropsI've had consistency when you do a similar action against a similar enemy group, but if you linger around then you might have enemies randomly spawning into the screen thus you're pressured to progress. Most item drops don't really matter. The big ones which are weapons are never randomized and are laid across the levels.
>some of the jankiest jumping mechanicsThey really aren't. Maybe getting use to how to tackle slopes, but that isn't a big deal.
>and the absolute worst hitboxes in existenceThat's mostly the downward thrust, sometimes you might take damage, and it isn't too much of a deal. You'll rarely whiff an attack.
You seem like a drama queen.