>>40532407 (OP) Roy Jay at Hell’s Open Mic
Location: The Blazing Pitstop, just past the River of Regret. Host: Judas Iscariot. Featured act: Roy “Spook!” Jay.
[Spotlight cracks through smoke. The crowd: tortured poets, fallen angels, used car salesmen, and one confused mime who thinks he’s in Heaven. Roy Jay slinks on stage in his classic convict suit, hips swaying like a funky serpent.]
ROY JAY
(whispers)
“Spook...!”
(shimmies in a circle, fingers waggling at nothing in particular)
“Slither hither... slither thither... slither all the way down, my dear!”
(the audience chuckles—except the mime, who looks horrified)
“You laugh now, but... you all be doing it tomorrow!”
(points at Satan, who nods solemnly)
SATAN
(aside to Beelzebub)
“…I already am.”
ROY JAY
“Why did the demon cross the River Styx?”
(pauses dramatically)
“To spook the chicken! SP—OO—KU!”
(He flings invisible confetti. It bursts into ash midair. Huge applause from the back where Kafka is weeping with laughter.)
ROY JAY
(leans forward, eyes blazing)
“They told me I was too weird for the BBC.
They told me, Roy… keep it simple.
Tell a real joke.
So I said: A man walks into a bar.
And the bar says—
‘Get your trousers back on, Roy.’”
(booming laugh from Judas, who nearly drops the mic.)
ROY JAY (voice low now, almost gentle)
“Some say hell is punishment.
But I say—hell is the only place where they finally get it.
Out there—confusion.
Down here—cult status.”
(He bows, pelvis first.)
“Thank you. You’ve been infernal.”
“You all be doing it... yesterday.”
[Blackout. Someone in the back starts chanting “Spook! Spook! Spook!” Over the speakers: the faint sound of laughter warped through eternity.]
